12-12-12
Three years ago, I had tweeted this, referring to the Philippine Allstars OG’s supposed reunion concert. But God had a different plan. After a year, December 12, 2012 had become my “spiritual” birthdate. It had become the day that I accepted Jesus as my Lord & Saviour… that “something big” had happened in my own life.
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It’s so overwhelming, sometimes funny, when we would try to take control of our lives, and then, for some unknown reasons, things WILL NOT go according to plan no matter how we stubbornly, even dedicatedly, stick to it. Things will bend, people will step in, events will rumble, and before we know it, the day that we were zoning in just does not show up. Not even call in sick. Just. Not. Show. Up.
But thing is, sometimes, there would be a plan. A blueprint will be made, will be signed by a number of people, notarized, stamped, or framed and hanged on a wall. But then, eventually, even with its unmistakable presence on the wall, people will lose focus as they get caught up with life.
I don’t really remember what had happened to the planned concert, which sounded really promising and exciting for a time. But I guess it was just not meant to happen AT THAT TIME. Still, my tweet called out the universe to hand me that “big” event. Grabe. The universe delivered! It gave me a “big” personal journey… I was thrown into a very difficult battle where I got both broken & built, a journey where I got both lost & found. If it was not because of #timehop, I would not have even remembered it. I appreciate it all now. More than that, I now have a deeper understanding of everything that has happened. I see how God loves me so much… even during the times my spirit was so crushed and I felt so defeated.
Grabe ka Lord. Sobrang amazing ka!
So yeah, something big really did happen. And it was BIGGER than that planned concert.
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As a result of that 12-12-12 event in my life, I am now able to fight my personal battles differently. Because we as humans, if I’m being honest to myself, are not wont to forgive and forget easily. I even daresay the wounds of the past can never really be healed… not even “in time.” May peklat ang bawat sugat. There will always be a scar. In time, the scar will ostensibly be invisible. But there would be times that it would seem to scream “Hi! Remember this wound? Remember the one who caused this???” And then it would make us feel the need to scratch. There will be times it would get really tempting… that we just want to scratch it so bad until it bleeds and creates another wound… over the wound. That is so easy… So easy. So human. So me, the old me.
But then, by His grace, I had felt that there is never a need to scratch. The enemy can make the wound scream all day & night long… but God is more powerful. He not only makes me fight strong, but also… He makes me accept my already closed, dry wounds as beautiful battle scars… ones that would and should remind me of my own victory over this seemingly permanent and undefeated enemy. Yes, that’s it. VICTORY. Actually, more than being battles scars, those are now God’s victorious tattoos in my spirit and within my soul.
LOST IN NEWSFEEDS
Two years ago I was working the graveyard shift at a Bank in LA. One night, on my way to work, I saw by the entrance of the driveway going to our building a homeless man reading a book under a dimly lit post. It was such a beautiful sight. It stirred hope inside me for some reason.
Something like amidst all rush hours, instant noodles, online relationships or every other things brought about by this era, or the lack of them, this man still chose to have that seeming lost luxury o
my friend Kameko
f feeding his mind or his soul. Like nothing else mattered. He could live without a roof above his head, or a metro card, or a cellphone. As long as he could have that moment alone. With his book. It had put this big smile on my face and it kept me awake at work all night.
I rarely see a sight like that nowadays. Last year, at a Culture Shock dance rehearsal, I l have seen one of my friends Kameko reading a book! It was just so refreshing coz barely anyone does that anymore, especially among the younger generations.
I have come to realize too that generally, people don’t know how to “tunganga” anymore. I can’t even find its direct translation in English. The only closest definitions are being idle or going inside your “nothing-box.” It’s like putting a car in neutral at a stop light. It is neither useful or useless. Just, well, idle. Saving gas… I barely see people doing that. You know when people are not sleeping or eating or having conversations, when there is that space of time in a day where nothing is expected of us, we are mostly bound to turn to our little gadgets and fill our brains with useless information or activities. Yes we are all likely to caress our phones first thing in the morning than caress our loved ones. We are more likely to
photo from the internet
post thoughts or photos online than call our moms and ask “how are you?” and tell her our thoughts. We are more bound to read newsfeeds than books. We would rather slide “open” our iphones than go into our nothing-box (tunganga), get idle and be open to the energy required of the moment: which is to stay
still and just breathe, be thankful… and live. Just merely live. Mostly, I only see old people do that nowadays. Tunganga in the park, at a restaurant, at a bus stop. One time I did that in the lunch room and officemates started asking if I was ok. So I pulled out my phone and was forced to scan through my Instagram feeds.
Come on people. Masarap tumunganga. Try it.
Technology… Modern times… Actually it’s a catch-22. Living in this era is both blessing and bane. It is just up to us to draw the line. Sadly, most of us unconsciously become prisoners of these modern advancements. It is unthinkable to imagine how it is to live 50 years from now. I am curious. But I’m already grateful that I have witnessed and have lived to experience the transition of old to the new. Because I am able to appreciate… And longing for those old times, I know how better it is to raise a kid up in these times. I just hope she won’t get lost living among these modern tech-savvy kids.
Sigh.
Sometimes… No make that Most of the time, the best moments in our lives are the ones spent away from our cellphones. The most postable moments in our lives are actually the ones that don’t make it in our newsfeeds.
LETTERWRITING
.glendale.ca.usa.
Breathing life into this dying art of letterwriting.
So glad I’m able to have Tala experience writing and airmailing letters to daddy who’s away for 2 months… and without skype/text messaging and with only a few sporadic phone calls, this is our only regular means of communication. 🙂
I may be tech-savvy but I am really old school. I like the old ways. I love writing. I love handwritten notes or letters. I love giving and receiving folded notes or mailed letters. Nothing beats the way thoughts & feelings are shared and received through handwritten words. There’s something intimate and personal about it. There are things you cannot express through spoken words that can only be thoughtfully poured out on a piece of paper… and there are things too that are not rightfully expressed through typed words because, believe it or not, your handwriting says a lot about you and about your mood at the moment.
It’s so sad to realize that in the future, there may be kids who will never get to experience this. It’s bad that personal interactions are slowly diminishing, it’s worse because kids now value convenience and instant gratification. They would rather LOL than really laugh out loud. It’s a different world out there now. 😦
Anyway, I resolve to keep this art. I will keep on sending airmails to my husband and daughter even if we are together. I will keep on writing notes on stickies if I just want to say how much I love them, or just let them know that I thought of them… because I believe these can also be a testament of sorts to who and what we are… little pieces of memories of how we were so open, joyful, vulnerable, passionate and loving at a particular moment… that we took time to immortalize it… And then these papers will be kept in a safe box and not in cyberspace or a cellphone SD card.
ROMANS 8:18
.los angeles. ca.
God spoke to me today through ptr. Insong’s message at church. Last Friday, I lost a 6week fetus from my womb. According to studies, 10-25% of pregnancies result in miscarriage. Where I am, it is normal. The shock I felt upon seeing bright red blood coming from me that morning was only a statistic. It happens. Move one.
How heartless.
The baby was 34 weeks away from being born and being held in my arms. People can say it is better than losing the baby just before delivery. Or even after… But all the same, it was painful. Those weeks of anticipation and dreaming and planning… all lost.
But I clung on to God, and in His grace and glory, I am able to accept what happened. And through this morning’s message, I was reassured that the pain I felt is never comparable to the joy that is in store for me and my family. In God’s embrace I rest. Instead of feeling defeated, I will rejoice for his grander plan.
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After telling my 5yo daughter of what happened, she gave me a pat on the back and said, “Ok lang mommy andito naman ako para sayo saka kay daddy.” (It’s ok mommy, I’m here for you and for daddy)
Thank you Lord for this beautiful and smart daughter. I know someday you will grant her wish to be an “Ate” (older sister). In Your time.
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I never really meant to post this. But God gave me a burden to share his message… that He is really bigger than all our problems. This is not about me, my pain, my loss. This is about His faithfulness and His promises.
And I’m actually doing ok now. Excited even for His plans.
TRENTA’Y TRES #throwback – HOW I BECAME HIP HOP
.los angeles.ca.
Since I am in that retirement road already, I wanted to share this to the kids who are just starting out. I actually just bumped into this as I was cleaning my email Inbox. This was a submission I did for a friend’s blog back in 2009, months before I was to turn 33.
Trenta’y Tres, by Michelle “Tzy” Salazar (Dance Artist)
I am Tzy, the oldest member of Philippine Allstars. I think that I am even one of the oldest females who dance hip hop in this country… that I know of. But I am not a pioneer. I am merely a toddler. I was not there when hip hop penetrated the scene in the 90s. Back then, I knew Francis M. as a “pop” singer who sang the only rap song that I’ve ever memorized in my life (Cold Summer Nights). Jmasta (bboy) & breakdancing were non-existent. If he did headspins in my face I would just ignore him. I thought hip hop meant donning a huge shirt & pants that barely holds on to one’s boxers. And back then, the object of my pubescent obsession was the Eraserheads (a rock band that defined the sound of the 90s in the Philippines).
Hip hop came late into my life–when it was already associated with sex, drugs & violence, when the OG’s (dance pioneers/legends) have gained weight & when dance was started to be boxed in the studios & not danced in the clubs/streets anymore. It came even AFTER I was already dancing hip hop (with the Philippine Allstars).
Among all the members in my group, I think I am the most “non-hip hop”. The rest have been living, breathing & eating it. When hip hop began thriving in the Philippines in the early 90’s, Lema Diaz was one of the few girls who were dancing to its music in Club Mars. She is still in the scene now, so maybe technically, she is the oldest female hip hop dancer. Some of our boys have been bboying (breakdancing) since they were little. Chelo Aestrid & Kenjhons have been pursuing music all of their lives. And Sheena Vera Cruz, for me, is the ultimate dancer with hip hop attitude. I have always thought of myself as a “rakista (rocker) who loves to do breakdance freezes.” My ipod had consisted of songs from genres of rock & alternative. And I would wear urban/hip hop clothes only when I go onstage.
Now 4 years into being an Allstars, after having won 4 world hip hop competitions in 3 continents & putting Philippines on the map, it is only now that I am starting to really delve into the culture, history & foundations of hip hop dance.
In July this year, I was given the privilege of being one of the 6 people (from 5 countries–Lebanon, Palestine Territories, Argentina, Vietnam & Philippines) sent by the Kennedy Center (Washington) to go on a Hip Hop Tour. It was an eye opener for me.
I met some of the few important figures of hip hop dance OG’s like Buddha Stretch, Marjory Smarth, etc. They told us stories of their experiences back in the 80’s, when this was all just starting. They shared their principles about dance; how very disapproving they are of students just learning dance inside the four corners of the studio & not in the clubs/streets anymore. I have also attended workshops where I have finally learned the foundations of dance which is very important for every dancer. Allstars’ style is so 90’s and for years, that was what we were good at. Those workshops made me understand dance more. I’ve found meaning on why we do certain moves. Like there is this move we do for Locking called the Muscle Man. Skeeter Rabbit told us that it was his way of saying “What’s up?” until it evolved & was combined with his move, the Skeeter Rabbit.
The most important part of our tour was the immersion in the places where hip hop started. I have discovered where the roots of hip hop music was found, which was in Washington DC, where the African-American music flourished in the early 20th century. There was this place dubbed as the “Black Broadway” which used to be an entertainment hotspot to African-American community back then, even before the Harlem Rennaisance in NY. This was home to a lot of great musical artists like Duke Ellington, Louis Armstrong & Billie Holliday.
We have also threaded on the streets of Harlem, the Mecca of black culture, where 30 or 40 years ago, no other race than black could walk. We have experienced a jam in the park, right in the heart of Bronx. When I was there, I smelled hip hop in its raw & purest form. That time, I was so lucky to have seen in person hip hop’s godfather, DJ Afrika Bambaataa. It was so surreal listening to his music and dancing to it. It was like performing a contemporary dance with a live accompaniment of the orchestra.
In that park, we kinda stood out because most of the people were black. So there was this one time when a man named Ron from Universal Zulu Nation approached us and said, “Don’t come out here with your booty shakin.’” He then went on to say something like, “You can’t fake hip hop. It is not made, it is not taught. You are born with it. It is in the heart. You breath hip hop. & it is here in Bronx.” I told him that hip hop has actually spread around the world, that was why were were there. & he says, “You know how it has spread? You spread it here (points to his heart). For me you can’t fake it. I don’t care where you’re from. You can’t fake hip hop. You’re born with hip hop. Some have it, some don’t. They got school for scratch, they got school for this & that, but hip hop is not an act. It’s from the heart.”
Word. 🙂
Actually I just realized that I may have been “hip hop” after all. Hip hop in heart. Its journey is my journey too. Embracing undaground & not losing the whole essence of hip hop is what Philippine Allstars is all about. Keeping it real to the heart. Not being too technical. Expressing emotions in its truest form. Standing up for the undadogs. Sharing & spreading the word. Fighting for the movement. That is real hood right there.
I am turning 33 next year. Too old to start learning new styles of dance, some might daresay. But for me, this is only the start of my never-ending quest for knowledge & truth. You might say, “pinapalalim ko naman mashado, sayaw lang yan (It’s only dance, why complicate it).” But dance has stopped being simply a form of art for entertainment purpose. It has gone beyond being just a medium of expression. On our part, we have been using dance to spread nationalism. We have undoubtedly created change among the hearts of a lot of Filipinos & has inspired them to be proud of our country. Through our dance pieces, we have traveled to different parts of the globe & have gathered not just rave reviews but love from even people of different races. And dance has also helped us spread positive messages to the world, even daring to break barriers and inspire people to Point Up (to give glory to the Man up there). [Philippine Allstars blog]
It is never too late to start dancing hip hop (I started dancing, from zero, when I was 23, doing jazz, and hip hop when I was 26). There is actually no expiration to learn anything! It is never too late to start being someone who you want to be. What is important is how far you want to go with the things you are passionate about. Just like the philosophy from Pablo Coelho’s The Alchemist & Rhonda Byrne’s The Secret, when you want something really bad, the universe will conspire to help you achieve it. I may be too old to learn airtracks (barrel turns with hands), but I know that if I put my heart & mind to it, I may even become the first Lola (Gramdma) to do it. But for now, I gotta learn. Coz ultimately, I will always be a student. Every one of us should never stop learning new things, even at 33. Or 45. or 77. 🙂
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Read my full blog about the Hip Hop Program here.
HELIOPHILE
.los angeles.ca.usa.
Being in the #workforce has never been part of what I have dreamed to do. But since all circumstances had lead me here, working 9-5 has, in some ways, provided comfort; that it anchored this wild careless spirit to this #thing that if you really look at a different angle, becomes a springboard to another #dream that I can pursue til my old age. And it’s called #family. Depends on which one you want to assign it to, “family” can be the “thing” or the “dream” or both.
I guess this marks, officially, the next chapter of my life. The last 13 years were spent wholeheartedly in dance. It’s now time to close the book. I was apprehensive about retiring for the last 3 years. It has been long overdue. So with great gusto, I now welcome a new life ahead of me.
But of course, dance will trinkle in once in a while. You never forget your first love. 😉
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So yeah I am blessed too to have this hour everyday, where I can take a break from the four walls of my stressful (but enjoyable) job and just walk around and bask in the rays of the sun. And think. Or take photos. Or do #selfie shots.
And being in the sun makes me remember where I came from. #manila #islandgirl #heliophile
HIS MCGYVER
More than being told you’re beautiful, hot or funny… I think this is the best compliment any girl can ever receive.
THOSE WERE THE DAYS
(REPOST) Growing up without a cell phone
If you are 36, or older, you might think this is hilarious!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning…. Uphill… Barefoot… BOTH ways…yadda, yadda, yadda…
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!
But now that I’m over the ripe old age of forty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today. You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don’t know how good you’ve got it!
1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter – with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!
3) Child Protective Services didn’t care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!
4) There were no MP3’s or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We’d play our favorite tape and “eject” it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that’s how we rolled, Baby! Dig?
6) We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that’s it!
7) There weren’t any freakin’ cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn’t make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your “friends”. OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror… not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there’s TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.
8) And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent… you just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
9) We didn’t have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘Asteroids’. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what’s the world coming to?!?!
11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I’m saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!
12) And we didn’t have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!
13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play… all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside… you were doing chores!And car seats – oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the “safety arm” across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling “shot gun” in the first place!
See! That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You’re spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!
Regards,
The Over 40 Crowd
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Same sentiments like in some of my previous blogs. I may be tech-savvy (meaning I can well adapt to changing times), but I still want the good old days.
And so, as much as I can, I try to raise Tala up with our old ways and values. She’s 4 years old now but she doesn’t know how to turn on the TV or computer. She knows how to use them though, just not to turn them on and then giving her the chance to be a lazy-assed couch potato all day. And so she spends most of her day writing and drawing using pads, pencils & crayons. She likes doing art and crafts. And lately, being so OC about the way her Lego princess castle was supposed to be built, she has learned that she could actually set all the pieces apart and put them back together in different ways as if renovating it.
Yes she spends a lot of time exploring her creativity and imagination. There are only a few times I let her use my android phone or let her watch cartoons on TV. Of course since she was born in the new age, she should be able to adapt.
Sigh. I miss the good old days of love letters, library, patintero, flowers & paintings, etc. Sana maexperience ni Tala ang mga ito… Those days where effort was so much rewarded. And so much fullfilling
STRINGS
* currently watching *
If you cannot hold her like this for the rest of your life, don’t make her fall for you.
Or better yet, never begin to hold her like this at all.
(post not related to “Somewhere Like This” but to the screenshot of hands)
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I love & hate watching WongFu videos. They make me cry.
STATEMENT
I love you.
I love.
I love.
Yes I do still love everything in my life… including my failures, rejections and struggles.
It is only now I understand why those exist.
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OUR GOD IS GREATER
Water You turned into wine
Open the eyes of the blind
There’s no one like You
None like You
Into the darkness You shine
Out of the ashes we rise
There’s no one like You
None like You
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God…
And if Our God is for us,
then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us,
then what can stand against?
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I listen to this song every day. The amount of comfort it gives me is immeasurable.
“What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?” – Romans 8:31
Tzyrrupy
I am not fond of expressing myself through spoken words, even in my native tongue. I’d rather do these: dance, write… I find that sometimes great conversations don’t require spoken words. Thus the union of souls.
Anyway, this here is my online pen & paper trying to digest my random thoughts.
AND YES I LOVE CALVIN!
this is how i see my life right now.
˙uʍop ǝpısdn plɹoʍ ʎɯ uɹnʇ sƃuıɥʇ ǝlʇʇıl
* my other blogspaces:
🙂
VISITORS:
Grazie!
flighty… fleeting… i don’t leave footprints.
i dance. i pour, i hold back. i both love & hate intensely. real easy to get along with but real hard to contain. black & white. a real crazy driver, painter & barber. i love to eat (3 best things in life are eating, sleeping & answering nature’s call LOL). a novelist under the custody of terpsichore. i don’t value money. will lie in a poorman’s grave haha! i believe in love, faith & strength of spirit… and that if you feel under the weather, wear a sexy underwear! i love kids, they amaze me more than grown-ups do. i love wearing make-up only when i go onstage. i hate jewelries. i love being an outsider. i love food. i will travel to satisfy a craving. i love to capture moments through words & still/moving pictures. i love crazy & weird people, they amaze me too. i love wrangler jeeps, dry leaves, sesame seeds & slot machines (hehe, but i don’t gamble). i love my family, i miss my friends, i want lots of kids. this lifetime is not enough for me to take in everything life has to offer, but i try to dig, to dip, to direct…
And I Wander 