And I Wander

The birds chirp at this side of the world. :)


.los angeles. ca.


God spoke to me today through ptr. Insong’s message at church. Last Friday, I lost a 6week fetus from my womb. According to studies, 10-25% of pregnancies result in miscarriage. Where I am, it is normal. The shock I felt upon seeing bright red blood coming from me that morning was only a statistic. It happens. Move one.

How heartless.

The baby was 34 weeks away from being born and being held in my arms. People can say it is better than losing the baby just before delivery. Or even after… But all the same, it was painful. Those weeks of anticipation and dreaming and planning… all lost.

But I clung on to God, and in His grace and glory, I am able to accept what happened. And through this morning’s message, I was reassured that the pain I felt is never comparable to the joy that is in store for me and my family. In God’s embrace I rest. Instead of feeling defeated, I will rejoice for his grander plan.

* * * * * * *

After telling my 5yo daughter of what happened, she gave me a pat on the back and said, “Ok lang mommy andito naman ako para sayo saka kay daddy.” (It’s ok mommy, I’m here for you and for daddy)

Thank you Lord for this beautiful and smart daughter. I know someday you will grant her wish to be an “Ate” (older sister). In Your time.

* * * * * * *

I never really meant to post this. But God gave me a burden to share his message… that He is really bigger than all our problems. This is not about me, my pain, my loss. This is about His faithfulness and His promises.

And I’m actually doing ok now. Excited even for His plans.

March 23, 2014 Posted by | family, Jesus, life, pregnancy | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment


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I am as headstrong as my momma. There have been a lot of instances when my health was in jeopardy because of her stubborness. But that is just the way she is, & I may grow up to be like her, for all we know! But then, being stubborn can also mean loyalty, or steadfastness, or sticking with someone til the end, no matter what. Somehow I am like her coz I’ve stuck with her from the time she almost lost me, to the time that she embraced me with fervour like a child not letting go of her first doll.

Pregnancy came to her like a thief in the night. She was not ready; she didn’t want me. But who would be, if you’re a dancer who started pretty late & it seemed you’re going against time coz even if dance is always there for you, it does not wait. That and her pregnancy made her in denial in the first few days. She didn’t tell anyone, thinking, even praying that she was only dreaming. As the mind can take on things to happen, she was hoping that the mind can make things UNhappen. But it was there. As cold as the truth can be on a midsummer night that will just send chills down your spine like an unwanted news.

She was in the middle of a summer workshop and was teaching two junior classes. She had to give up the beginners class she was handling coz that required her to jump around, and run after all those little kids who had shorter attention span than her lest she’d have a miscarriage. She was so glad that she could keep the other class, the more advanced kids to whom she could just teach something not too jumpy.

When I was 2 months in her womb, it was the time of their first choreographers’ showcase. It was heartbreaking for her to know that she might not dance at all. She wanted to. She thought she could. She was only in her 1st trisem after all. Her tummy wouldn’t show til the 5th or 6th month. She would force Kenjhons to cast her in his dance or would learn Lema’s piece. But they won’t allow her to dance for them. She would be irritated at how they had seemed to know better when it was her own body at stake. Eventually she realized that they really did know better. She didn’t know that the 1st trisem is the most crucial stage in pregnancy coz during that time I was still made mostly of blood. If she’d have spotting, I might have gone with those blood too. This and more she learned from her OB. And to her she listened. So she followed her advice and did not dance… no matter how much she wanted to.

She couldn’t perform but at least she could still choreograph! She thought of working with people whom she could draw joy & inspiration from, who could divert her from the painful fact that she couldn’t step on the stage… the kids. Allen, Charles, Gabi, Joey, Margaux, Trish, Dapdap, Tisha, & the rest kept her sanity for the rest of the rehearsal days. Good news came as the concert went near; she was given a chance to be part of two choreographies where she was given minor roles. It made her so happy. She was able to perform on stage after all in her 3rd month.

Then it was time for training for the World Championship. It was a good thing that her group has already voted (all-boys) for the top people who would carry the burden of the competition. But then all of them were still required by Kenjhons to train. It was a blessing in disguise that I was in my momma’s womb coz she was excused from jogging! Oh how she hated jogging. Though Ken usually isolated her & was given her own pace apart from the group coz of her asthma, it was still an excuse not to wake up early in the morning to jog. But she was there during training in the studio. Expectant moms in their late 1st trisem usually get exhausted easily, so a lot of times, after joining the group for a few minutes of dancing, she would lie down on the sofa & just watch. During those times, a wide space on the sofa was what comforted her, more than the dance space she so much craved as a bgirl. She would rather nap or just sit for hours. I guess that was how I took a lot of her energy & nutrients.

When I was 4 months in her belly, her 2nd trisem, she got back her energy & had more! There were gigs where she’d specifically ask Lema to let her join and lie to her & to others that it’s ok for her to dance. She remembers what her OB said, “Ok you can dance but when you start spotting, please stop ok? Or you’ll lose your baby.” That was what she was thinking. As long as there was no pain or spotting, sige lang. During those times, she did liftings with Reagan in their Hide & Sick choreo, she did her usual footworks in her solo bgirl part (except for the headspin), she did a 60’s ballroom dance, and an all girl choreo for an Adidas gig wherein nakipagsabayan sha sa mga bata … and it took a toll on her. She eventually had a UTI and was brought to the ER and was given antibiotisc. But she continued dancing again as soon as she felt she could move again. Then she went to her OB for a check-up and she found out that, because of the infection & her activities, she had a threatened pre-term labor. She nearly lost me coz her cervix was opening up & she had been having contractions. The OB more than ordered, but pleaded her to stop dancing. For my sake. She was made to stay in bed, confined to the 4 corners of her room. Two weeks of bed rest.

Those 2 weeks were the most difficult part of her pregnancy. Her UTI got worse & it gave her early contractions. She couldn’t walk or even stand up. Her only breaks away from her bed was when she had to go to the rest room where she had to be carried. During those times, my daddy took care of her almost 24/7. My daddy was, in those times, our hero… This was the point that she had accepted that she had to give way to me. That her dance had to give way to motherhood. She had finally let go.

When it was time for her & her group to travel to US for the World Championship, she was well & able & was given permit to fly. Being a pregnant Allstars member that time was a totally different experience for her (in the first 2 years, she was a competitor & in their 3rd she was one of the assistants or “yaya’s” ). This year, she was just like a ghost that could go in, past, out, up or above . She had the license to just watch, follow them around, ignore them, cheer with them, take pictures… She could do anything she wanted to do! But of course she didn’t take advantage of that. She still took her responsibility of managing their finances for food & lodging.  She enjoyed this year’s championship and more than that, her team claimed the Gold again. Sabi nila swerte ang buntis. But then they deserved it & they’d point up to BestFriend for all the glory. Cheers, I’m a champion baby!

I was 6 months in her belly when her group went home. She stayed in the US with her family. It was a hard decision, or fact for her to accept: staying where her family can take care of her and be away from the group. Coz she was thinking all along that it sucks to be a pregnant Allstar after winning Championships. Even though she couldn’t dance, she just wanted to follow them around.  I guess once an obstinate woman, forever an obstinate one. But she eventually gave in to the idea that she can just live vicariously through them as they celebrate their victories in the PI.

In those first few days that she got physically separated from the group, she was like in a limbo. She didn’t know what to do. She was suddenly left with nothing. Usually, when she’s in the US, she’d attend dance classes, or attend bboy sessions & competitions. But in her state, she couldn’t. She was like spaced-out for days. She couldn’t even just watch dance videos on youtube coz it only made her helpless. She began to divert her attention to things that she hasn’t done in a long time like reading, writing, learning photoshops, painting, learning different languages & brushing up on her sign language. She also played a lot with her nephews & spent quality time with her family! Viola, there was a lot to do after all!

I’m 7mos old now in her belly & momma’s doing well. She is excited to go back dancing as a mom. They said a dancer changes in some ways after giving birth. Aside from the physical changes it would take on her, somehow motherhood will mature her. The irreversible physical damage on her body she doesn’t mind coz she has long accepted that in the first place, she didn’t have the perfect “dancer’s body”; her shoulders & hips are too narrow, her arms too long, her height too short, her back too straight (scoliotic) and her lungs too weak (asthmatic). That was why she has grown to love breakdancing coz it embraces a dancer more with whatever body structure he/she has than jazz/ballet. It just boils down to how aggressive you train & how hungry you are with conditioning. And mommy’s like that.

Nowadays, as my mom has stopped dancing, I kinda miss the feeling of somersaulting in her womb. I was used to her moving about, doing floorworks almost like writhing on the floor, practicing her flips, jumpin’ around. Now with only the threadmill walk as her exercise, mas malikot pa ako! I even wake her up in the middle of the night coz i had to stretch my legs & the womb is getting smaller & smaller for me. But we both don’t mind this coz in 8weeks, I’ll be out. Who knows, I might be following my mom & dad’s footsteps & be a World Champion! But we’ll never know. Just like my momma never imagined she’d be in the dance world, to think that it was an alien world to her when she was 23 (my momma has never danced in her life before that). So who knows. 

October 14, 2008 Posted by | Blogroll, dance, family, pregnancy | , , , , , , | 1 Comment


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