12-12-12

Three years ago, I had tweeted this, referring to the Philippine Allstars OG’s supposed reunion concert. But God had a different plan. After a year, December 12, 2012 had become my “spiritual” birthdate. It had become the day that I accepted Jesus as my Lord & Saviour… that “something big” had happened in my own life.

* * * * * * *

It’s so overwhelming, sometimes funny, when we would try to take control of our lives, and then, for some unknown reasons, things WILL NOT go according to plan no matter how we stubbornly, even dedicatedly, stick to it. Things will bend, people will step in, events will rumble, and before we know it, the day that we were zoning in just does not show up. Not even call in sick. Just. Not. Show. Up.

But thing is, sometimes, there would be a plan. A blueprint will be made, will be signed by a number of people, notarized, stamped, or framed and hanged on a wall. But then, eventually, even with its unmistakable presence on the wall, people will lose focus as they get caught up with life.

I don’t really remember what had happened to the planned concert, which sounded really promising and exciting for a time. But I guess it was just not meant to happen AT THAT TIME. Still, my tweet called out the universe to hand me that “big” event. Grabe. The universe delivered! It gave me a “big” personal journey… I was thrown into a very difficult battle where I got both broken & built, a journey where I got both lost & found. If it was not because of #timehop, I would not have even remembered it. I appreciate it all now. More than that, I now have a deeper understanding of everything that has happened. I see how God loves me so much… even during the times my spirit was so crushed and I felt so defeated.

Grabe ka Lord. Sobrang amazing ka!

So yeah, something big really did happen. And it was BIGGER than that planned concert.

* * * * * * *

As a result of that 12-12-12 event in my life, I am now able to fight my personal battles differently. Because we as humans, if I’m being honest to myself, are not wont to forgive and forget easily. I even daresay the wounds of the past can never really be healed… not even “in time.” May peklat ang bawat sugat. There will always be a scar. In time, the scar will ostensibly be invisible. But there would be times that it would seem to scream “Hi! Remember this wound? Remember the one who caused this???” And then it would make us feel the need to scratch. There will be times it would get really tempting… that we just want to scratch it so bad until it bleeds and creates another wound… over the wound. That is so easy… So easy. So human. So me, the old me.

But then, by His grace, I had felt that there is never a need to scratch. The enemy can make the wound scream all day & night long… but God is more powerful. He not only makes me fight strong, but also… He makes me accept my already closed, dry wounds as beautiful battle scars… ones that would and should remind me of my own victory over this seemingly permanent and undefeated enemy. Yes, that’s it. VICTORY. Actually, more than being battles scars, those are now God’s victorious tattoos in my spirit and within my soul.

TRENTA’Y TRES #throwback – HOW I BECAME HIP HOP

.los angeles.ca.

Since I am in that retirement road already, I wanted to share this to the kids who are just starting out. I actually just bumped into this as I was cleaning my email Inbox. This was a submission I did for a friend’s blog back in 2009, months before I was to turn 33.

Trenta’y Tres, by Michelle “Tzy” Salazar (Dance Artist)

I am Tzy, the oldest member of Philippine Allstars. I think that I am even one of the oldest females who dance hip hop in this country… that I know of. But I am not a pioneer. I am merely a toddler. I was not there when hip hop penetrated the scene in the 90s. Back then, I knew Francis M. as a “pop” singer who sang the only rap song that I’ve ever memorized in my life (Cold Summer Nights). Jmasta (bboy) & breakdancing were non-existent. If he did headspins in my face I would just ignore him. I thought hip hop meant donning a huge shirt & pants that barely holds on to one’s boxers. And back then, the object of my pubescent obsession was the Eraserheads (a rock band that defined the sound of the 90s in the Philippines).

Hip hop came late into my life–when it was already associated with sex, drugs & violence, when the OG’s (dance pioneers/legends) have gained weight & when dance was started to be boxed in the studios & not danced in the clubs/streets anymore. It came even AFTER I was already dancing hip hop (with the Philippine Allstars).

Among all the members in my group, I think I am the most “non-hip hop”. The rest have been living, breathing & eating it. When hip hop began thriving in the Philippines in the early 90’s, Lema Diaz was one of the few girls who were dancing to its music in Club Mars. She is still in the scene now, so maybe technically, she is the oldest female hip hop dancer.  Some of our boys have been bboying (breakdancing) since they were little. Chelo Aestrid & Kenjhons have been pursuing music all of their lives. And Sheena Vera Cruz, for me, is the ultimate dancer with hip hop attitude. I have always thought of myself as a “rakista (rocker) who loves to do breakdance freezes.” My ipod had consisted of songs from genres of rock & alternative. And I would wear urban/hip hop clothes only when I go onstage.

Now 4 years into being an Allstars, after having won 4 world hip hop competitions in 3 continents & putting Philippines on the map, it is only now that I am starting to really delve into the culture, history & foundations of hip hop dance.

In July this year, I was given the privilege of being one of the 6 people (from 5 countries–Lebanon, Palestine Territories, Argentina, Vietnam & Philippines) sent by the Kennedy Center (Washington) to go on a Hip Hop Tour. It was an eye opener for me.

I met some of the few important figures of hip hop dance OG’s like Buddha Stretch, Marjory Smarth, etc. They told us stories of their experiences back in the 80’s, when this was all just starting. They shared their principles about dance; how very disapproving they are of students just learning dance inside the four corners of the studio & not in the clubs/streets anymore. I have also attended workshops where I have finally learned the foundations of dance which is very important for every dancer. Allstars’ style is so 90’s and for years, that was what we were good at. Those workshops made me understand dance more. I’ve found meaning on why we do certain moves. Like there is this move we do for Locking called the Muscle Man. Skeeter Rabbit told us that it was his way of saying “What’s up?” until it evolved & was combined with his move, the Skeeter Rabbit.

The most important part of our tour was the immersion in the places where hip hop started. I have discovered where the roots of hip hop music was found, which was in Washington DC, where the African-American music flourished in the early 20th century. There was this place dubbed as the “Black Broadway” which used to be an entertainment hotspot to African-American community back then, even before the Harlem Rennaisance in NY. This was home to a lot of great musical artists like Duke Ellington, Louis Armstrong & Billie Holliday.

We have also threaded on the streets of Harlem, the Mecca of black culture, where 30 or 40 years ago, no other race than black could walk. We have experienced a jam in the park, right in the heart of Bronx. When I was there, I smelled hip hop in its raw & purest form. That time, I was so lucky to have seen in person hip hop’s godfather, DJ Afrika Bambaataa. It was so surreal listening to his music and dancing to it. It was like performing a contemporary dance with a live accompaniment of the orchestra.

In that park, we kinda stood out because most of the people were black. So there was this one time when a man named Ron from Universal Zulu Nation approached us and said, “Don’t come out here with your booty shakin.’” He then went on to say something like, “You can’t fake hip hop. It is not made, it is not taught. You are born with it. It is in the heart. You breath hip hop. & it is here in Bronx.” I told him that hip hop has actually spread around the world, that was why were were there. & he says, “You know how it has spread? You spread it here (points to his heart). For me you can’t fake it. I don’t care where you’re from. You can’t fake hip hop. You’re born with hip hop. Some have it, some don’t. They got school for scratch, they got school for this & that, but hip hop is not an act. It’s from the heart.”

Word. 🙂

Actually I just realized that I may have been “hip hop” after all. Hip hop in heart. Its journey is my journey too. Embracing undaground & not losing the whole essence of hip hop is what Philippine Allstars is all about. Keeping it real to the heart. Not being too technical. Expressing emotions in its truest form. Standing up for the undadogs. Sharing & spreading the word. Fighting for the movement. That is real hood right there.

I am turning 33 next year. Too old to start learning new styles of dance, some might daresay. But for me, this is only the start of my never-ending quest for knowledge & truth. You might say, “pinapalalim ko naman mashado, sayaw lang yan (It’s only dance, why complicate it).” But dance has stopped being simply a form of art for entertainment purpose. It has gone beyond being just a medium of expression. On our part, we have been using dance to spread nationalism. We have undoubtedly created change among the hearts of a lot of Filipinos & has inspired them to be proud of our country. Through our dance pieces, we have traveled to different parts of the globe & have gathered not just rave reviews but love from even people of different races. And dance has also helped us spread positive messages to the world, even daring to break barriers and inspire people to Point Up (to give glory to the Man up there). [Philippine Allstars blog]

It is never too late to start dancing hip hop (I started dancing, from zero, when I was 23, doing jazz, and hip hop when I was 26). There is actually no expiration to learn anything! It is never too late to start being someone who you want to be. What is important is how far you want to go with the things you are passionate about. Just like the philosophy from Pablo Coelho’s The Alchemist & Rhonda Byrne’s The Secret, when you want something really bad, the universe will conspire to help you achieve it. I may be too old to learn airtracks (barrel turns with hands), but I know that if I put my heart & mind to it, I may even become the first Lola (Gramdma) to do it.  But for now, I gotta learn. Coz ultimately, I will always be a student. Every one of us should never stop learning new things, even at 33. Or 45. or 77. 🙂
* * * * * * *

Read my full blog about the Hip Hop Program here.

GIFT OF DANCE

.los angeles.california.usa.

Been watching youtube videos of myself from all these years… I have not always been the strongest dancer, I can even say that I am the weakest one. There are only a few “countful” times where I stood out (when fired up, I guess). I have always been the one who always falls  or slips. But despite this, I’ve gone so FAR… as far as I’ve never imagined I can ever go. 🙂 Maybe because I dream big. They say we all should keep dreaming coz dreams are free. I guess I horde a lot of dreams. I have befriended Sandman and he has kept me company all these years, even when I have seem to forget he existed in my life.

And more than anything, I have always been faithful. I may not have been His most ardent follower or His best student, but my faith has been unwavering. No matter what road I take, I just close my eyes and open my heart & mind to where He will direct me.

I mean who would have known that I will be in the dance world. Not my school friends. Nor even my family. I have not shown any slightest inclination to this art. Yeah I have danced for a school program or a school project, but who hasn’t, right? I have stumbled upon dance in 2000 when, out of nowhere, me and my friend Malove dropped by this lonesome dance studio at Shangri-La (Powerdance) and I caught sight a Pro-Jazz class. It was a sight to behold as I couldn’t take my eyes off them anymore. They had made me want to dance. I had no job back then, and my family & (then)boyfriend just left to the US for good, so I was open to anything that came my way. Right there & then, I decided to enroll in their summer workshop… then I was hooked. For life.

Even when I was already dancing, I never thought that I would go this far. I mean come on, I am short, I am bowlegged, I have incredibly long arms, I have weak lungs and a stiff back (scoliosis). I don’t think I can ever become a back-up for Janet or Justin (unless they put apple boxes for all their short dancers hahaha!). I can’t ever be part of Cirque du Soleil, or be that sexy exotic girl on a hip hop music video. But despite all these, I became a world changer (in my own way), had a voice & has inspired a lot of people. Even when I am not visibly part of the group anymore, kids still come to me which makes my heart swell a hundred times its size (or is it just my cholesterol-ed blood pumping in? :D)… And when I moved here, too, I had thought that I will retire from serious dancing and just do some usual gigs here and there, and just be a full-time mom with a full-time secured job. But no! I was given a scholarship where I will by trained for 6 months in different styles of dance (hip hop, jazz, ballet, contemporary, modern, theater jazz, house & salsa). It is a different world of dance again, with different set of people. I am like starting from scratch, and a NOBODY. Yet, in my own little ways, I am able to inspire, and they make me inspired too. I don’t know where this will lead me. At 34, I know I am too old for this. But He has given me a strong body & this youthful “beauty” (haha!) for a reason… And so I will blindly follow. Hey this is Hollywood anyway. Commercial or underground, there is always a spot for anyone who wants to dance.

At the end of it all, I will always be thankful. I am God’s little, clumsy dancer. And I think I will dance as long as I can move, coz dance is a gift, and through this gift I thank Him. ♥

1:21 I almost failed to get up from that locking get down.

1:52 I slipped.

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TRUTH

.marikina city.philippines.

These will remain to be the people that I want to fight battles with.

 

It was a surreal night. After a looong day of fixing things at ADS, I capped off the evening with Jhong, Niko, Joyce, Jolo & Jemie (& Tala who was alseep) somewhere in Libis. This was never our topic. But on the car ride home, Jhong told me about a tattoo our friend wants to put on his back… And this realization dawned on me.

We all have the same sentiments.

Some may not admit it out of pride or bitterness.

But I will always hold it dear to me… this group  that had burned with fire worth a thousand battles. More than being a part of it, I was a witness.

 

I guess, what really fueled this feeling more are the people who USED to believe in us… Like Buwi. 🙂

AND THEN THERE WERE THREE

.marikina city.philippines.

Highlighted: “Last Thursday, I mourned over the death of a huge part of me… I am still inconsolable.”

I still am. 😦

I remember that day. It was the Roots prelims for House & Bboy. I was on my way to Eastwood to register and join the battle for House. The night before, I have watched a video performance of Rockstars (Ken & Laurence’s new group). It was their first after they left Allstars.

It was that day, while driving on the way to Eastwood, that it hit me. Allstars. Is. Divided. Into. Three. (Allstars. Groovejackz. Rockstars.)

Don’t get me wrong, Allstars is still very much alive, with the remaining 7 original members (Me, Lema, Sheena, Chelo, Big Pat, Maya & Kyxz), and some equally fierce & talented bunch of Juniors… But that day, the reality of it hit me like a tornado on a serene lake. It broke me. Murdered me. The reality of it hung in the air, as I was driving, like a huge dark cloud which soon engulfed me in this immense sadness. Inconsolable I was as I cried copious tears over the “death” of a group of 12 people who have been part of the best 5 years of my life… Grabe, I was like a crazy… insane driver wailing like a child stripped off her balloon, or a week’s worth of allowance! I guess I cried 2 years worth of loss (from 2008, when 2 of the core members Jhong & Reagan left, together with Madelle, Prince & Niko).

Its effect still lingers around me, follows me, like vultures circling the air I breathe. Admittedly, it will take me a long time to get over it. But I’ll get there. 🙂

I previously wrote about us being UNBREAKABLE. I guess I have put the group too high on a pedestal… coz I have known each one of us to be few of the strongest people ever. And I quote Chanoweezy “Walang ibang may kaya ng ginagawa nyo.” Alas, even Samson has his Delilah, and Superman his Kryptonite. We were all like leaders of war allied together, each having a different way of fighting adversaries, and tactics on how to be victorious.

Ultimately, each one has become a wounded warrior. If asked, everyone will have his/her own bittersweet story to tell.

But still, within ourselves, we are still Unbreakable. There has never been any greater training (both in dance & in life) than being in this group. Never will those glorious years be replicated, not even close.

And never will any of us feel any more victorious than when the time comes and we would have had shed any trace of bitterness, and we’d be smiling & would be thankful for that one fateful day in 2005. 🙂

Kasi dalawa lang yan… and I quote Conrado de Quiros, “You can do only one of the two things with the past. You can make it a fiercely loyal lover or you can make it a scorned and bitter one. There is no in-between. It admits of nothing else.”

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WHAT IS YOUR PROFESSION?

I am a dancer.

UNBREAKABLE

.quezon city.philippines.

That’s how I would describe my group. I think lahat na ng klase ng mabigat na problema, naitapon na sa amin, but we are still one. We are still a group. May mas lalala pa ba sa nasirang samahan? Betrayal of trust & brotherhood? Doubting of leaders & decision-makers? Disrespect among members? We were tried and tested and we passed all these. You know why? Coz we acknowledge that everything happens for a reason. These things happen so that we’d learn from our mistakes. We know that we should be beaten & tested so we’ll come out stronger for harder, bigger battles ahead. Coz we know that we were handed difficult situations to ready us for really big important missions . We were not given what we cannot handle. Imagine that realization, the great responsibility that is & will be shouldered to us… Ano pa ang pwede? So c’mon, bring it on. I swear, in 10 years, Allstars will still be here. I bet that I will still see especially the 11 core/founders still standing together, fighting, celebrating, sharing, dancing, loving. So yeah.

Unbreakable.

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WAXING WELSH ABOUT THE YEAR THAT WAS

.quezon city.philippines.

that fuckin’ shitein cunt
shags the crack down mair & mair
thut ah jist love tae smack it in the face
ken what ah mean? that bairn.
tha fugly cunt’s goat tae be thu worst thing
the worst fuckin’ depression one ever saes
oh likesay, feeling no sae good, violence is ugly
but whae really can sae mauch aboot anything these days?

ha-ha. my tongue is officially screwed brit. only a few pages left of trainspotting & i already felt victorious. gotta be the most enjoyably difficult book i’ve read in a long time, for a long time (took me months man, coz i kept on gaun back chapters after failing to return to the last page read coz of the busy sked blah blah. plus yes, its junk-induced line of thoughts with a real hard-assed vernacular tongue-&-mind twister sortay make me always stoned meself).

aaah… a lot of accomplishments in a year. a year that seemed to span decades.

in a few days, allstars will be officially a year old.

allstars. not just people put together for show… but a group with a vision & a cause… My CREW. My FAMILY.

IT’S ALL BS ANYWAY… BUT ITALIA SAVED ME

.marikina city.philippines.

i heard this somewhere…

“it’s all BS anyway. at the end of the day, the better men win, not just on a skill level, but on a HUMAN level.”

i knew i’d have a lot people holding  grudges, even disapprobations if i publicly post that blog. but i had & still have no regrets. why should i suppress myself? just coz i’m starting to be a public figure doesn’t mean that i would just sit in a corner & hold every emotions & opinions to myself. 1stly, this is a free country (cliche but true), 2nd i’m not wont to do that, 3rd sometimes education of the mass requires an open discussion & free thinking without censorship. i know freedom has boundaries & has always required great responsibility, that was why i drew a line. if people who read that are smart enough, they’d understand… i will still continue writing coz that’s what & who i am. just as i’d still continue to dance as long as i can walk… my only concern is that being a part of a group, people might take my words as words coming from allstars’ mouth. i’ll just wish they’d all be smart enough to think otherwise.

but anyway. i still believe that after all these, IT’S ALL WORTH IT.

* * * * * * *

notes ciao ciao!:

* italia is sooo beautiful! best served for couples, hehe!

* 5 days (minus 2 competition days) is really not enough to take in everything of italy.

(who’d ever wear pink slippers in the streets of torino?)

* “we all the same, we all eat on the same plate” (from a proverb an italian team quoted for us).

* may friendships na kme pagpunta sa LA! =)

* love their gelato,

* their apartments,

* the cars,

* the language,

* ebrithing!

* pinoys in torino are one of the best peeps in the world.

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