And I Wander

The birds chirp at this side of the world. :)


.long beach.california.usa.

#Random thoughts on a Black Friday…

In a gathering. Sitting in a corner. Funny how I feel most alone in the company of people.

So here I am looking back… I believe that what happened was meant to happen. It was part of my pruning process. Yes I was the one pruned. I was the one tried. I was the one who failed, thus pruned. Ousted… I do not know of any other way for things to come to this because I could not, for the life of me, let go of the things that I have held dear for years. Yes for years I have overlooked the more important priorities in my life: my bloodfam. Such a long time. Such long process of growing up, growing out of seemingly juvenile life. Well-spent years. But like most things, they expire.

I now go on with my life with acceptance… waving the banner of His peace and reconciliation. There may be times that I will deny myself of forgiveness, but the truth is, I was forgiven. He has forgiven me. And that truth has to sink in. It is just hard when caught between battle of these truths. The truth of freedom and the prison of emotional truth.

It still hurts. I hurt because I hurt you.

They say that forgiveness may not mean forgetting, but more of letting go of the pain in order to move on. In that case, a part of me wouldn’t want to forgive myself because I need to be reminded that there was a time when I was faced with the hardest battle anyone could ever have, and I failed.

Because I want to be able to learn. And remember.

And to tell myself that I am capable of hurting the people I love.

And I do not want to be in that place ever again.

* * * * * * *

A rose so beautiful
It catches the sun’s rays
With its mists
From yesternight’s drizzling rain
Out of its stem
Grew five leaves
One of which starts to wither
And stand out
Like a sore thumb
Or more like a sixth finger
Imperfect it may be
It displays color like that of sunshine
And flaunts the beauty of the rest
And the redness of the queen in bloom
Like a flicker of light
In the dark
That imperfection
That makes everything else
But alas
It has to be nipped
And back to earth it shall be
For in reality of realities
It has no place
Among all perfect leaves
Underneath that perfect rose


March 30, 2013 Posted by | attempt at poetry, introspect, learn & unlearn, life | 1 Comment

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October 10, 2009 Posted by | attempt at poetry, Blogroll | Enter your password to view comments.


walking down the street of ambitions
a life of tinkering was formed
lost in sideshows that kept the mind wandering
and my underbelly’s cracklin’ like a storm

i see a shadow coming out now & then
of someone who’s face i used to breath into
so near yet so far, sauntering over other shadows
never promising, but giving sweet innuendos

at his prime he is on the verge
of wating one & wanting all
each one a discovery but never a conquest
each one’s dutifully at his beck and call

beauties of different languages, colors & scents
different levels of mental exchanges
some keeps him seated for hours & hours
and some are only too good for a cent’s
…worth in bed.

i turn the corner & i find another shadow
a stranger,
but someone i’ve felt like i’ve known all my life
familiar stranger

he sits on the grass undisturbed & at peace
he has this way about him that makes me absorbed out of my mind
even the slightest shuffling of his feet & the space where our eyes meet
can be the stuff of fairy tale books, the most impervious ones i’ll ever find

i stare & stare, finding myself wanting to accost
but i couldn’t
there’s this part that feels that I will forever break him
if i wanted it
so for a while i just stared & stared & watched & learned
until he went away… and i was changed,
mind, body & spirit.

daybreak is nigh and i sauntered on fast
silence spoke more & darkness seemed to bow low
i see shadows going around, going up & down, going home
the sun peaks from behind the clouds looking down below

there was only one shadow i could see,
a familiar one
fair, beautiful and serene
i look for others like it, i found none

suddenly there’s this sense of peace & tranquility
that carried each of my steps & embraced me in a singsong journey
i walk on not wanting to get down
lost in this ambition i cover myself with this crown


August 15, 2008 Posted by | attempt at poetry, introspect | Leave a comment



there are some expressions that are better said/written in tagalog. they may have direct english equivalent, but sometimes mas masarap sabihin ang mga salita tulad ng malutong magmura at masarap magmahal.

minsan dito
madaming nangyayari na di inaasahan
minsan nasa harap ko na
pilit ko pa rin pinagkakaitan
ng pansin at puna

minsan doon
kinailangan ko pagdaanan
maging katulad ng mga taong
aking kinamumuhian
pilit ipinipikit ang mga mata at tenga
sa bulong at hinagpis ng mga taong
mas nakakaalam

bakit mahirap makinig
sa mga taong malapit
tuloy ako’y naluglugmok, nadadapa
pilit bumabangon
ngunit parang nananadya
at naiibigan ko pang madapa
nang madapa
nang madapa…
ng marami beses pa
na madapa

hindi ako matuto-tuto!

hanggang sa kasing baba ko na
silang mga kinasusuklaman ko
haaaay nako.



pero pagkatapos nitong lahat
masasabi kong paangat nako.
kse wala na akong ikakababa noh!

tinapakan ko na, niyurakan
sarili kong imahen at pagkatao
san ako pupulutin nito?

minsan dito, o doon
may magpapabago sa ating sarili
kapag lahat ay tila pinagdamutan ka
ng kapatawaran at pag-intindi
kapag lahat ay tila pinukol ka
ng panghuhusga at panunutya
kapag wala nang ibang natira
kundi ikaw at ang iyong mga luha

may bubulong at mangangalabit
may yayapos at magpaparamdam
may matitirang isa
na nagmamahal

minsan dyan lang
sa tabi mo..
tatawagin ka Nya at tatanungin,
“tapos ka na bang madapa?”…

hinihintay Nya lang pala
na tumayo ako sa sarili kong paa
upang lumapit sa Kanya
na pilit kong pinagkakaitan
ng pasin at puna
sa pagaakalang kasing lakas ko Sya

pero kailangan ko pala Sya.

kaya kailangang mangyari
ang mga hindi inaasahan
kahit minsan lang..



October 26, 2007 Posted by | attempt at poetry, introspect, tagalog | , | 2 Comments

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October 14, 2007 Posted by | attempt at poetry, love sh*t | Enter your password to view comments.


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