And I Wander

The birds chirp at this side of the world. :)


.marikina city.philippines.

Highlighted: “Last Thursday, I mourned over the death of a huge part of me… I am still inconsolable.”

I still am. 😦

I remember that day. It was the Roots prelims for House & Bboy. I was on my way to Eastwood to register and join the battle for House. The night before, I have watched a video performance of Rockstars (Ken & Laurence’s new group). It was their first after they left Allstars.

It was that day, while driving on the way to Eastwood, that it hit me. Allstars. Is. Divided. Into. Three. (Allstars. Groovejackz. Rockstars.)

Don’t get me wrong, Allstars is still very much alive, with the remaining 7 original members (Me, Lema, Sheena, Chelo, Big Pat, Maya & Kyxz), and some equally fierce & talented bunch of Juniors… But that day, the reality of it hit me like a tornado on a serene lake. It broke me. Murdered me. The reality of it hung in the air, as I was driving, like a huge dark cloud which soon engulfed me in this immense sadness. Inconsolable I was as I cried copious tears over the “death” of a group of 12 people who have been part of the best 5 years of my life… Grabe, I was like a crazy… insane driver wailing like a child stripped off her balloon, or a week’s worth of allowance! I guess I cried 2 years worth of loss (from 2008, when 2 of the core members Jhong & Reagan left, together with Madelle, Prince & Niko).

Its effect still lingers around me, follows me, like vultures circling the air I breathe. Admittedly, it will take me a long time to get over it. But I’ll get there. 🙂

I previously wrote about us being UNBREAKABLE. I guess I have put the group too high on a pedestal… coz I have known each one of us to be few of the strongest people ever. And I quote Chanoweezy “Walang ibang may kaya ng ginagawa nyo.” Alas, even Samson has his Delilah, and Superman his Kryptonite. We were all like leaders of war allied together, each having a different way of fighting adversaries, and tactics on how to be victorious.

Ultimately, each one has become a wounded warrior. If asked, everyone will have his/her own bittersweet story to tell.

But still, within ourselves, we are still Unbreakable. There has never been any greater training (both in dance & in life) than being in this group. Never will those glorious years be replicated, not even close.

And never will any of us feel any more victorious than when the time comes and we would have had shed any trace of bitterness, and we’d be smiling & would be thankful for that one fateful day in 2005. 🙂

Kasi dalawa lang yan… and I quote Conrado de Quiros, “You can do only one of the two things with the past. You can make it a fiercely loyal lover or you can make it a scorned and bitter one. There is no in-between. It admits of nothing else.”


December 28, 2010 - Posted by | family, introspect, Philippine Allstars


  1. *sniff* I feel like crying after reading that.
    Sorry kung parang FC, that I always have something to comment about in your blog 🙂 But though I’ve never been a part of a super group such as Allstars, I’ve also been through some of the same experiences you’ve blogged about (losing members then seeing them with different groups, fights and down moments etc.) I can honestly say some of my biggest heartbreaks came from being a dancer and being in a dance group. If not for the passion for dance, I had a million reasons to give up long ago.

    I’ve been a fan of Allstars from the beginning though I have to admit I wasn’t able to follow the group closely. And just recently ko na-realize na may nagbago sa line-up. Pero kudos to you for sticking together.

    Comment by Rafi (RavenVogue) | December 28, 2010

  2. Thanks Rafi. 🙂 I guess, like what ptr. Jesse told us, all groups go through these things. Even Eraserheads, or Beatles! If there’s one thing that we have to accept talaga, it’s change. Minsan yun ang reason why people in a group, or even relationships, drift apart.

    Comment by calvinswife | December 29, 2010

  3. Wow. You were right about it being divided, but It all started with the “Allstars” no matter what happens allstars parin kayo ate tzy! Keep dancing ate tzy!

    Comment by Simon (et) | December 29, 2010

  4. sad nga eh..i was just telling my mom when im on the car goin to my training here in dubai na tatlo na nga yung crew and im really shocked at what happend..i did cried b4 when i was interviewed by sheena wt mah crew flipendemic when we are at ads..super ayaw ko talaga magkahiwahiwalay yung allstars!! ive been there also when you guys are havin a fight wt each other, andun xtatic nun sa brewing point and then suddenly keith martin was there as well..and i was able to share a word form the bible qouting that love doesnt keep records wrongs..i even experienced this kind of suffering when floorgeeks was divided and dati vince, randy and me where the leaders of the crew and we are so many like 15 members..and then came naging dalawa yung crew..hope, that even tho may iba nang mga crew yung iba, nuthin will change from the friendship that was built ages ago..God has a great plan for sure!! only God cud explain why it happend..i do believed that everyone is an allstars in God’s eyes and it will be always just the same no matter what..;)) God bless you tzy and all the allstars family, groovejackz and rockstars!! im always here your number one fan and friend..c.L

    Comment by frostyle | December 29, 2010

  5. Salamat Simon. 🙂

    “God has a great plan for sure!! only God cud explain why it happend..” Right CL. Yan na lang din nagbibigay sakin ng lakas. Mahal ka namin!

    Comment by calvinswife | December 30, 2010

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