The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 5,200 times in 2011. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 4 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

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1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

I’m digging through the 2011 memory box in my brain to find something that I did in 2011 that I have never done before and I found these:

• book our trip to the Bellarocca Island, and my own trip to NY to meet up with Spidey. All my travels before were booked for me/us (out of gigs, or family gatherings, or the Kennedy program). I never had to go through the pain of reading reviews of hotels, budgeting airfares + accommodations + food, making reservations, etc. Ang sakit sa ulo. But it was fun, and hihinga ka talaga ng malalim pagnandun ka na.
• DRIVE IN THE USA! I have been going back & forth Manila-USA since 2005 and I have never ever, not even tried, driving here! I was always treated as a bisita, even when I was with my family, so it never really occurred to me that I should drive. Maybe I should’ve had. Then I wouldn’t have failed my driving test thrice.
• skateboarding through that steep ramp in the Venice’s skatepark. My gawd. It was exhilarating!
• the thing that I abhorred most in my life and has vowed to never do: be in the workforce & get tied to a desk for 8 hours. I still don’t like it, but at this time in my life, I need it. So yeah, I work in an office, in a bank, graveyard shift & I look forward to it every night. (The mindlessness & monotony of what I do is therapeutic. It pacifies the chaos in my mind.)
• bag groceries. I have always wanted to try doing that coz it seemed fun to put together and organize all those stuff that varies in shapes & sizes (& temperature) in small bags. I have worked as a Vons.com shopper, and when my schedule there had overlapped with my schedule at the bank, I had asked to resign. But they didn’t want me to leave so they put me over at the front as a courtesy clerk, and so yeah I was able to experience bagging for a while! Heeee!
• wear colored contact lens. Well, this was technically in the latter part of 2010, but I just want to put this in this list coz I feel that I am such a late bloomer in wearing colored lens.
• (EDITED, how could I have forgotten??) getting married in a civil ceremony. <3

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I never ever had any new year’s resolution… but I will make one for this year. And that is to eat less meat & rice. For health reasons.

3. What do you wish you’d done more of?

I wish I had spent more time teaching Tala her ABCs and 123s. I think she is behind other kids. But then, tita Rose told me that every kid excels in different areas. And I see that Tala is amazing with anything physical. I think she will be a stunt woman someday.

4. What do you wish you’d done less of?

I wish I’d feel less guilty about not teaching Tala her ABCs & 123s. Kids are kids. They will learn what they want to learn. Though I have not focused on her in teaching things, I have seen how very independent she has become. Most of the things she writes & draws are out of her own willingness to do it. She is sometimes picky with food, but she knows when & how to tell anyone of us here at home what she wants to eat. She knows that she wants ballet and not hip hop. Most of all, I see her love for animals, no matter how big or small and I could see how she would play and take care of them.

I don’t want to be pressured anymore about not putting her in gym or art class (she had attended one art class, but she was way too advanced). I’ll take it from my sister Rio who never put my nephews Marcus and Allen to preschool, but are both doing good in school now and are active in chess & karate.

5. What was your greatest musical discovery?

None. Music and I are on a break.

6. What did you want and get?

Rarrrrr!!!

I have always wanted a Wrangler Jeep. But since we got a kid & some hobbies, I’ve settled for something bigger… and I love it!

I gave Sheena the privilege to name him, and she baptized him as “Blake.” I was like, nah, that sounds gay. So until now, my Jeep has no name. But I think I’ll call him “Puti” (White in English). Coz I’m feeling that mine and my Spidey’s vehicles will come in different colors.

7. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I honestly do not remember what happened on my birthday. Seriously… I guess I was caught up in the turmoil of my moving here as I was about to leave in a couple of days. And that was more eventful than my birthday.

And I stopped counting when I turned 25. Seriously.

8. Most favorite person/s I met

My Athletic Garage family especially the Pink Pandas! Pink Panda is the name Timothy created for the 2011 AG Scholars. He was one of the 5 original scholies, but he got replaced by Bekah coz he had to work . These girls are so amaaaazing!

• Gerry is an American-Chinese who I got along with so well coz we have a loooot in common. First off, she is an Aquarius too! She doesn’t like wearing make-up, and we both don’t understand why girls have to put it on heavy everyday. We both laugh at ourselves for giving expensive gifts to others but buying cheap, sometimes, 2nd-hand stuff for ourselves. We like to try out new dishes. We have the same views about life in general that I can talk to her about anything for hours!
• Hannah, a Korean-American, is my own personal Barbie doll. She makes me laugh so hard because she would always change clothes in the middle of the class. One time, she totally changed outfit like 3 times! Haha! I can understand her coz it’s really better to be dancing if you’re wearing nice outfit in class, especially if you constantly have to look at yourself in the mirror. She also has a platinum blonde hair.
• Taylor is black, and because of her I want to be black in my next lifetime. Hahaha! I just looove her vibe. She is so bubbly and so sunny that you wouldn’t see that there are a lot of sh*t going on in her life. She knows how to hadle sh*it! I told her that I will be taking her autograph before the scholarship’s up because I know she will become so big someday.
• Bekah is also one of the reasons I want to be black. Omg, this girl just only turned 18 but she dances like way beyond her age! She is amazing in all styles of dance, from jazz to hip hop to salsa. And she can also sing! She is our own Eryka Badu. Her voice is sooo soulful. She is sooo soulful, I guess that’s why she sings and dances that way. And one nice thing about her is that she is way too humble. You’d meet her and look at her and think that she is just one of those run-off-the-mill girls but she will totally blow you away when you see her dance or hear her sing. I will also get her autograph.

9. Best destination

Bellarocca Island in Marinduque because it provided a temporary respite during a chaotic time in my life this year, a.k.a. moving to the USA.

10. Best accomplishment for 2011

Doing a triple pirouette.

11. My blooper of the year

Crying in front of Allstars (during a meeting in Vegas). I shouldn’t have explained why & how and what I feel about leaving, moving to the US. Some things are meant to be taken as it is. You don’t owe anyone any explanation for any small/big decisions that you make in life. It will be up to them if they get it or not. And I shouldn’t have said that I would always check each and everyone of their Facebook page just to tell them that I miss them. Coz it was not true. I do miss them, but not to that point. Sometimes, we do say things out of the heat of the moment. Some of them know this, so I don’t really care if they read this. I still love them nonetheless.

12. What are your goals/plans for 2012

• go out of the country (out of the USA/Philippines).
• go back to school, although I’ll play it by ear with this one coz I will see if I’ll be dancing more this year… and that brings us to my 3rd goal–
• do at least one really big LA gig
• write more (notebook or blog), read more and less tambay on online networking sites
• learn at least one skateboarding skill
• continue my waacking/punkin’ training with Angel after I’m done with the scholarship
• go to church more
• buy a lot of batteries… in case the Myan prophecy comes true

13. People you are thankful for

• my parents for putting up with my quirkiness… and for taking care of Tala because Jhong is in the Philippines, and I am busy working/dancing
• my sisters Rio & Sasa for helping us settle comfortably in the US
• Jhong for taming me. And for being, still, my lover, partner & best friend after all that we’ve been through
• Jhong’s family for being amazing
• Tala for always cracking me up
• Paolo Alcedo for inspiring me to continue dancing, thus rekindling my fire
• Sandy, our “mother” at the Athletic Garage, for giving me a chance to audition and be part of the scholarship even if I was overage. And for not kicking me out because of my absences due to and out of motherhood & work.
• my bosses (at Von’s, my first job, and my current job at the bank) for seeing my hardwork & my willingness to learn. I think Dorothy is the coolest boss one can ever have!

14. 2012 Wish List

• DSLR camera
• Calvin & Hobbes collection
• new laptop, maybe an Apple Macbook  Pro so I can better practice editing photos & videos

Most of the gadgets I have are hand-me-downs or I got out of my prize money (laptop I got from my Hep Hep Hoooray cash prize, PAK!), so if no one gives me any of these this year, I’ll buy them! That’s one good thing about having a regular job, you can afford to buy stuff. I just recently acquired a TV. My mom bought it and I will pay her for 6mos. Ayos!

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Thank you Lord for 2011…
Hello 2012!!! Let’s get to know each other! )

Ang sarap ng bagong taon, parang feeling ng bagong sipilyo, bagong bukas ng rolyo ng tissue, parang amoy ng bagong gupit na damo, o ng bagong biling libro, feeling ng bagong gupit na kuko, kasing init at bango ng bagong lutong pagkain, at kasing sarap ng unang halik. (Sorry, all these are better said in tagalog, haha! Use translate.google.com/ if you don’t understand.)

HAPPY NEW YEAR! ♥ \m/,

“the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles” – Jack Kerouac

Ain’t God awesome for giving us this life to live… to madness? Yes even to the point of insanity. Coz this life is overflowing with everything and nothing at the same time… the desire to taste everything and leave nothing untouched.

I’ve said many times that if I am to leave this world, I would be happy to go… Coz I have felt like I have lived different lives, worth different lifetimes. I’ve almost tasted enough. But as I grow older, I always discover that there is so much mooore! So many cultures to immerse in, so many culinary experiences to dig, a lot more cities to step on, so many friends to make & stories to tell among them, so many moments to close your eyes in as you breathe out “Thank you Lord.”

Last night, one of my gay friends expressed a liking at how generally just chill & quiet I am but is actually high-strung and full of energy when right strings are pulled. Haha! I guess that is how I am. I go outside and feast on life with my eyes by default, but when that perfect moment presents itself to get wild and mad about life, I go all out.  That’s what I love about living, there is always a place & space for everything… to complain when there’s not enough sauce on your pasta or if your coffee was not served smolderingly hot; or just let pass when you were ripped off a very cheap fabric from a store that you paid with your credit coz you don’t have the time to go back; to walk the car-emptied but mass-filled EDSA to fight for a cause; to grovel at the feet of a boyfriend and beg him to not leave you coz you know you are gonna wallow in pain and misery for weeks if he does; to cut your hair shorter & shorter until there’s no more to cut so you decide to just get shave it and be bald; to go crazy at a party and dance until dusk with everyone in the room, or with just your own self; to do an all-nighter with a friend while parked at the UP Sunken Garden and decide to watch the sun rise and do cartwheels before you head home to your bed; to make a fool of yourself in the biggest dance battle you could ever join in, but eventually learn from the best people you could ever learn from; to borrow money, be in debt and join a dance competition just to make noise, but earn a bonus as you’ve put the Philippines on the hip hop map; to brave the storm or wade through the flood just to make peace with someone; to make love as if there’s no tomorrow, or as if tonight will never exist again; to prank call all your boyfriends’ flirty friends to make a statement a.k.a. he’s mine; to fall in love with a person and hide it from everyone else because it seemed wrong, then years later shout it out to the world; to fight with someone because that person was out to destroy things or persons that matter to you; to end a friendship because words exchanged are killing you; to drive aimlessly until you hit the beach or the mountains; to converse with a stranger and be able to transport yourself in a different time & place, in his shoes, in his world; to run around the city capturing the scenes, the scents and the magnificence of each corner, each altitude, each intersection, each light post, canal, mailbox, etc.; to get beaten up physically & mentally by a mentor, get mad and scared and eventually realize that this exercise of humility was to show you who you really are and who you are not; to be treated as trash by the people who pays you to entertain them; to be treated as saints by people whom you will want to dance for at no cost; to give birth to the most precious being you could ever lay your eyes on; to thank the Lord and give praise to Him in front of thousands of people who look up to you.

Ahhhhh… so many things to be thankful for, and more things to look forward to.

Burn, baby, burn, and keep it burning until the last emblem of this fire takes you to another lifetime.

Been watching youtube videos of myself from all these years… I have not always been the strongest dancer, I can even say that I am the weakest one. There are only a few “countful” times where I stood out (when fired up, I guess). I have always been the one who always falls  or slips. But despite this, I’ve gone so FAR… as far as I’ve never imagined I can ever go. Maybe because I dream big. They say we all should keep dreaming coz dreams are free. I guess I horde a lot of dreams. I have befriended Sandman and he has kept me company all these years, even when I have seem to forget he existed in my life.

And more than anything, I have always been faithful. I may not have been His most ardent follower or His best student, but my faith has been unwavering. No matter what road I take, I just close my eyes and open my heart & mind to where He will direct me.

I mean who would have known that I will be in the dance world. Not my school friends. Nor even my family. I have not shown any slightest inclination to this art. Yeah I have danced for a school program or a school project, but who hasn’t, right? I have stumbled upon dance in 2000 when, out of nowhere, me and my friend Malove dropped by this lonesome dance studio at Shangri-La (Powerdance) and I caught sight a Pro-Jazz class. It was a sight to behold as I couldn’t take my eyes off them anymore. They had made me want to dance. I had no job back then, and my family & (then)boyfriend just left to the US for good, so I was open to anything that came my way. Right there & then, I decided to enroll in their summer workshop… then I was hooked. For life.

Even when I was already dancing, I never thought that I would go this far. I mean come on, I am short, I am bowlegged, I have incredibly long arms, I have weak lungs and a stiff back (scoliosis). I don’t think I can ever become a back-up for Janet or Justin (unless they put apple boxes for all their short dancers hahaha!). I can’t ever be part of Cirque du Soleil, or be that sexy exotic girl on a hip hop music video. But despite all these, I became a world changer (in my own way), had a voice & has inspired a lot of people. Even when I am not visibly part of the group anymore, kids still come to me which makes my heart swell a hundred times its size (or is it just my cholesterol-ed blood pumping in? )… And when I moved here, too, I had thought that I will retire from serious dancing and just do some usual gigs here and there, and just be a full-time mom with a full-time secured job. But no! I was given a scholarship where I will by trained for 6 months in different styles of dance (hip hop, jazz, ballet, contemporary, modern, theater jazz, house & salsa). It is a different world of dance again, with different set of people. I am like starting from scratch, and a NOBODY. Yet, in my own little ways, I am able to inspire, and they make me inspired too. I don’t know where this will lead me. At 34, I know I am too old for this. But He has given me a strong body & this youthful “beauty” (haha!) for a reason… And so I will blindly follow. Hey this is Hollywood anyway. Commercial or underground, there is always a spot for anyone who wants to dance.

At the end of it all, I will always be thankful. I am God’s little, clumsy dancer. And I think I will dance as long as I can move, coz dance is a gift, and through this gift I thank Him. ♥

1:21 I almost failed to get up from that locking get down.

1:52 I slipped.

Good morning! Sweet dreams.

It’s 10am and I just got home from work. Imma sleep the day coz I am seriously dead tired from working for 16 hours/day these past 2 days. I had regular hours training for a bank, and then I had more hours in the supermarket this week coz I got transferred to another department. They needed my help. Next week, I will be back to my normal work hours… just in time for the start of my scholarship program (Yes, I passed the auditions and I am now a dance scholar. )

Before I turn in, I just got to scratch this itch to write, so here I ramble on… what I am not.

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• I am not a cook. Because cooking doesn’t like me. I would love to learn it though. But for some reason, whenever I cook, something always goes wrong like the food gets burnt, or my skin gets burnt, or food is too maalat, or matabang. So, don’t ever expect me to cook for you. I can just wash your dirty dishes if you want (I loooove washing dishes. I consider it therapeutic).   BUT I do love to eat. I would TRY to eat anything. One of the reasons why I love to travel is because I love to try different dishes. I can eat world-class cuisines or the dirtiest street food. Kapag napapadpad ako sa isang bagong lugar, pagkain agad ang tinitira ko. (Ain’t that better said in Tagalog? ) The weirdest thing I have ever tasted is this grilled bug/beetle that Floyd had shoved in my mouth at a Korean restaurant. It was blech! Anyway, though I can’t cook, I love loooove neat kitchens! I would love to have my own little sparkling kitchen someday. I will wash dishes there, while Spidey cooks. And then we will eat. Just don’t make me cook.

• I am not a runner. I hate running. When Allstars had its jogging days, I would always hate Ken for quoting “We are just as strong as our weakest link.” And then following it with, “So let’s all wait for Tzytzy.” (Coz I would always jog at a slower pace coz of my asthma) And then worse, we would do this sprint and I would be cussing under my breath, hahaha!  BUT you can ask me to walk ALL DAY, or hike mountains for 5 days & you would never hear me complain. Just don’t ask me to run.

• I am not a swimmer. For the life of me, no matter how much I would try so hard to learn how to swim, I always manage to fail at it. :p I don’t know if it’s because of my weak lungs (I can’t go past 10 feet without gasping for breathe–and they say swimming is good for those who have asthma huh?), or my inability to float. I can’t tell. I would always tell Spidey that if I could only swim, I would be able to surf. Hell, I would even try the strongest wave on earth, the one at the Newport beach! But I can’t… even though he would always say that you don’t need to know how to swim to surf… Make me do all water sports, I’d do it it! (With a life vest, haha!) Just don’t make me swim.

• I am not musical. I do not remember songs easily. I do not have that natural rhythm; you will lose me in two-8s, even if you just ask me to clap with the bass. I have studied piano and guitar, but I didn’t go past learning a whole song. I took classical voice lessons in grade school. But my parents’ money went to waste coz I still cannot carry a tune… BUT I love listening to the music… and dancing to it… Just don’t ask me to sing, or do beatbox.

• I am not fashionista. When all other senses were showered to the earth, I was present. Then the next day, I called in sick, the day fashion sense was distributed. (Hah! Korni!) My closet consists of clothes I have worn for years. My oldest possession is a red shirt with a heart owned by my lola! When I came here, my clothes had fit in one luggage. My other luggage (and Tala’s) carried my books, art materials, notebooks, toys, etc. I do not know how to window shop… or shop at all, like how girls would do it. I should have my own personal shopper & stylist coz I would not picture how good a dress is just by looking at it from a rack display, or even if I wear it already. Sometimes, I would wear uncoordinated clothes. Most of the time, I would wear my jeans and sneakers coz I’m too lazy to give effort to be pimped up. BUT I like dressing up. I enjoy being styled up when there are shows/concerts. I love wearing costumes during halloween. I love dressing up my daughter too. That’s one perk of having a baby girl. I think she will be fashionable when she grows up. Which is good. Wag lang sana mahawa sakin.

• I am not an excellent speaker. I had hated public speaking in school. I am not fond of speaking in English… or Tagalog, for that matter. I can just do sign language the whole day. I only developed the love/need to speak up when I became part of Allstars. That happens to you when you become a fighter for a cause. Still, when a mic is shoved in my face, I blush… and when I finally do it, I stutter. I duno, maybe because I think too fast my tongue could not catch up. BUT I speak with conviction, even if what I say doesn’t make any sense. At least, that was what my college teacher told me. And you can just ask me to write. Or do. Or act. Just don’t make me speak.

• I am not Tweety Bird. I am not yellow. And cats don’t like me. I just look like him when I was in High School (my yearbook says “Tweety Bird ng Art Klas”).  BUT like him, I am happy in my own little world. I am nice, but can be cunning & devious if provoked. And like him, I kinda have a lisp. Just don’t tell me I look like him.

My family’s port of entry into the United States in 1999 was in Minneapolis, MN. It is where my grandparents & aunts (dad’s side) are from. It is called the Land of 10,000 Lakes and I remember looking at it from above, seeing bodies of water scattered around. A house beside a lake is a common property. I went there once during the summer of 2005 for my cousin’s wedding. Puro puti. Pinoys are a minority. Malamig… and they said that it is worse during winter kasi nag-iisnow. Hindi kinaya ng pamilya ko, mahirap daw mag-drive o maglakad, at kailangan magshovel lagi ng snow. And so, at the prodding of my sister, they, being a true-blooded city folks, all transferred to California… which is a good thing. Coz CA, especially LA, is a lot like Manila. Summer may be over at this part of the globe, but you can expect the sun to cast its rays all year round. ❤

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I work at a supermarket (Yes, my wish to work at a grocery store indeed came true!). At work this morning, I bumped into this stall that holds familiar brown cubes (Kraft Caramel) & instantly, it brought me back to my younger days in Amadeo, Cavite. Summer was always so well spent there with my cousins from my dad’s side. I remember playing patintero, making bubbles out of gumamela leaves, singing & dancing to songs of “Menudo” & “The Carpenters,” the fiesta & the singing contests, the perya that is just overlooking our terrace, and my Lola’s famous kiddie treat, the caramelized rice krispies! Stateside kasi si Lola, so she had all these imported rice crispies & Kraft caramels that she would make into small crispy bars, and we’d consume them while watching Peter Pan. Yes, the old Disney cartoon that was played over & over to pacify our youthful energies, the cartoon that was watched 24/7 that we’ve almost memorized the dialogues! If some people had Peter Pan syndrome, I have the Lost Boys syndrome. I believe that I have always been lost in my own Neverland that is the reason why maybe I’ve never grown up! Ha-ha!

Ah. I miss the smell of that house.

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There was a controversy regarding an artist back home and it got me into thinking that it all boils down to how art is perceived by the receiver/audience. Medyo relihiyoso/pulitikal at nakakatama talaga ang likha nya, ngunit kung malakas ang paniniwala at pananampalataya mo, ano ang pwedeng bumagabag sayo tungkol sa mensaheng ipinarating noon? Sometimes too, art has been booted in the background, that when grave messages are let out through art, people wouldn’t know how to react. I remember having Art Class in high school and Humanities in college. But those were not enough for me to strengthen my appreciation & to deepen my understanding of the arts… That was me. What more of others who have not taken these subjects in school? Others may claim to just dismiss it for the reason that it won’t freakin’ feed mouths… And that’s the point. How can you have that push to go out there & work to provide for your family? Just the mere providence can be said to be enough reason. But there is this thing that can be said about the spirit of it. The gaiety of laboring because you are inspired by those mouths to feed! It is the spirit and also the passion that moves us… that makes us continue, amidst everything… And so if art & its spirit is present in our lives, there should be none of those ugly violent reactions. Only messages that should be absorbed to allow ourselves to learn, to discover & to wake up.

‘Kayong mga prayle na labis na nasindak sa paintings na me lalawit-lawit na ari ng lalaki sa mukha ni Hesukristo, di n’yo ba naisip na kayo ang tinutukoy n’yan? Na kayo ang naghahagis ng kung anu-anong kalaswaan sa mukha ng inyong Poon, na Poon din ng nakararaming Pilipino? Ano’ng sabi n’yo nang nabulgar ’yong paninikil n’yo sa PCSO? Ang PCSO ang dapat magpaumanhin sa inyo dahil sinabi nitong nangikil kayo ng Pajero samantalang ang totoo ay nangikil kayo ng Montero? At ano’ng sinabi n’yo nang mabuking ang paborito n’yong presidente na nagnanakaw ng boto? “Lahat naman sila nandadaya”?’

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I can never emphasize this enough.

Nakakamiss ang may grupo. Pero yung tipong indipensable bawat miyembro. Yung tipong may magsasabi ng “I quit” pero hahabulin mo sya sa Quezon Avenue at pipigilan umalis. O kaya yung tipong maguguho ang mundo nyo dahil yung kagrupo nyo ayaw nang umuwi from Boracay dahil nahuhumaling sa pag-ibig. O kaya yung tipong may isang absent. Pero sa dinami-dami nyo (labimpito), parang kalahati absent.

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There are some words/names that confuse me haha! I guess my brain is scattered like that.

Additional: vertical-horizontal, garlic-onion (Who mistakes garlic for onion?? Only meeh!), names of Jhong’s friends & their faces (Sorry!), Huwebes-Miyerkules (See, I wrote Thursday first! Oh dear.)

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When I first came here in the US, I did not want to work at all. I just wanted to hibernate for a whole year because I have felt that I got really exhausted from whatever it was that I was doing back home. But then, I think I have gotten to be such a workaholic, that my bum-time expired after 3 months. In June, I started looking for work, searching through job sites & sending out resumes. I had a hard time coz I had no experience (all I ever did in my life was dance, and a little bit of studio management), and I was a bachelor’s degree  graduate. I was either overqualified or not certified (I’d have to have a certification if I wanted to manage a studio)… But after 2 months (and a passed driving exam), 2 companies hired me! And what was good was that those are both part-time jobs, and my hours will be in the wee hours of the morning! So I could still squeeze in dance in between my waking hours. So yeah, I am back to my own busy self… in just the right time.

(These opportunities also came in time for me to have finished all my to-do lists, like attending this year’s World Hip Hop, hanging out with my friends Bea & the Allstars, going to NY with Spidey, & acquiring a CA driver’s license.)

Sabi nga, God answers our prayers either YES, NO, or NOT YET. We all just have to have faith & patiently wait. But of course, on our end, we won’t really achieve anything if our asses are stuck on the couch doing nothing, won’t we?

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All I can say is that facebook is both my friend & my enemy.

… Dot. Dot. Dot. Yun lang. It’s so freakin’ hard to write about it these days…

* * * * * * *

Yes, I am a worry freak. I worry a lot. Sometimes, I imagine things in my head, and I’d fight with a loved-one. Sometimes I create scenarios and then I’d be as scared as hell & would try to back-out on something. My mind is such a mess like that. I guess it’s the Aquarian in me… That’s why I need to have all these “escape.” That was why I got hooked on Farmville, Yoville & Mafia Wars before (which I have already closed, thank you ). It killed my time to think. That was why I needed to always train, or write, or read. That was why I needed to paint on my wall, or drive aimlessly around, or cut my hair, or shave my head, or pierce a part of my body, or skateboard.

But thing is, this only happens when something big is about to do a peek-a-boo on my face. When a big decision is to be made.

I have always thought how brave some people are that just do things without thinking much. Kasi they JUST DO IT; no if’s or but’s. But come to think of it, I think those people who think a lot are a lot more braver. Coz they do things despite of & in spite of. So yeah! I think I gotta at least pat myself on the back for being brave; for going on pushing through with things that scared the hell out of me; for braving through huddles that has left me sleepless in most nights; and for (a lot of the time) choosing the “road less traveled” in spite of all the battles in my head bending me to do otherwise.

* * * * * * *

I strongly reject the idea that we are turning into a paperless society. Ok it has its own environmental merits, but hey, that is why there has always been a library. So we do not have to publish more books. We just go there & borrow books we want to read. But hey, why go to the library, when there’s internet, right… not!

Seeing & learning that Borders was closing down made me sad (I know it is just one bookstore, but it is a sign of books going extinct!)… not just for myself but for the coming generations that will never experience reading books. They can never be able to smell the crisp pages of a newly opened book, or a dusty water-stained, dog-eared pages of their grandmama’s books. They can never know the feeling of ire when upon waking up, they have discovered that they have slept through reading the night before & so has slept on top of their favorite graphic novel, & now it’s all folded & has lesser resell value. Or the feeling of looking through a bookshelf of your favorite novels & deciding which to read again, while seemingly hearing all of it screaming at you to read “Me! Me! Me!” …And, I duno bout you, but I find a great deal of comfort when I have a book with me everywhere I go. Coz I know that I could always turn to it for company, even if I’ve read it like a thousand times already. And on that line, I kind of get a kick out of seeing a book on a friend’s pouch/bag, too.

Ebooks. Booo. I will never own one… Ok, I did read an e-version of a book. It was the Eat, Pray, Love. But only because, that time, it was out of stock in all bookstores in my area. And ako pa, if I want something, I’d want it now! So yes, at least, I got to experience it. Still, I don’t like it. It felt like reading an online blog.

The imminent demise of books will also be a demise of a lot of wonderful things like pen writing, snail mail, book marks, Stabilos, libraries, librarian, illustrations, publications, catalogs, stamp pads, pencil, eraser, exhibits, first editions, revised editions, book shelves, paper, paper… paper… paper. Sigh.

Disclaimer: This is not intended to dissuade future drivers to not go to driving school.

For the record, I failed my actual driving exam 3 times. So if you guys fail at something the first time, go lang nang go! Makukuha nyo rin yun!

I started driving back in Manila when I was about 15 or 16. I was taught how to drive a vehicle using an old school stick-shift Torana (no powerwheel & all!), and an owner (those custom-made jeeps ubiquitous in the suburbs & provinces). I got my license without having read any Driver’s Manual/Handbook (do we even have any?). I do not remember having done the actual test like what is done here. I vaguely remember being asked to move a vehicle a few feet forward, copying a cheat sheet for my written test and my daddy handing someone some bills. So yes, that was the reason why I was a very loose driver back home. (LTO, you guys need to overhaul your system, mehn!)

I’ve had a few brushes with the MMDA , including beating the red light where I pulled off a Judy Ann tear jerker to an enforcer to no avail. My license was still confiscated coz mali naman talaga ako haha! And some that I have went away with: “Bakit hindi nyo hinuli yung nauna sakin, mali din sya ha. Dahil ba mas mukha akong may pera?” | “Boss, Philippine Allstars po kami, Philippine team sa hip hop. May rehearsal po kami for a show” (Sorry, but this has worked, and most of us have used this haha! Some even have asked for an autograph or a shirt!) | “Wala namang ganyang sign dati. Hindi ba pwede warningan nyo na lang muna ang mga motorista imbes na nanghuhuli kayo agad? Saka bakit ba apat-apat kayo dyan sa harap ko??” | “Bossing, first time ko dito. Taga-Marikina pako.” | and the ever prevalent among all excuses, “Tito ko si [place politician's name here, even if from a remote area in Mindanao].” (Well, I didn’t have the guts to use that last one. The closest I did was calling Spidey & asking him to talk to the enforcer.)

And my lack of knowledge has also gotten me in a few vehicular accidents. Like the time that I jostled with a huge truck while turning right from Greenmeadows to Ortigas Ave. on my way to class at Powerdance. I did not know that trucks (& buses) have more blind spots than small vehicles (I told the manong pa naman, ang laki-laki ng salamin mo hindi mo ako nakita!). And I should have known that big vehicles make huge turns, so mali na makipag-gitgitan sa kanila. But because I didn’t know anything, I had told the truck driver (having assumed that I was right, and he was the cause of the accident), “Ok I won’t ask you for money so let’s not exchange contacts anymore coz I’m already late for class.” (That time, believe me, I’d rather not be late for Pro-Jazz by any means!). And the funnier thing was, there was an MMDA enforcer trying to issue us tickets for “obstruction of traffic.” I had told him off, “Kasalanan ba namin may aksidente?” Oh mehn, how juvenile!

There was a time too (this time I knew I was right, even the police said so), a long long time ago, going home from Shangri-la, as I was about to turn right from St. Francis St. to Shaw Blvd., there was this SUV on my left that was also trying to turn to the same direction. Commonsense calls that he should give way to me as I have already blocked his space. Eh si gago, dumiretso pa rin. Ayun, we had caused a hella traffic along Shaw. Police officers of Mandaluyong had brought us to the station. I was with no one, so it was me vs them that was comprised of a family of about 5 and a driver. But that was fine coz I knew they were wrong. I was asking them to pay for the damage on my car. I was waiting for them with my mataray-look which I couldn’t hold for any much longer coz I wanted to cry already for being outnumbered, even though the police has got my back (Hahaha!). Then this freakin’ driver handed a mobile phone to the police & said, “Kausapin daw kayo.” I was like WHAT THE HECK, when I heard the police saying to someone on the phone, “Ah ganun po ba? Opo… Sige po… Oo nga po.” (Turned out he was talking to a Congressman) …And so being naive that I was, I didn’t know what had happened next anymore. All I remembered was just signing something on a “blotter.” Then going home with a damaged car and a damaged hope on humanity. Looking back, all I can do is SMH (shake my head). Ang pinoy nga naman, kung makakalusot, lulusot. I am guilty of this too. BUT with major mishaps or strains, or sa mga kalokohan o mga katiwalian, if it is really CLEAR that we did something wrong, we should all man up! Driving is only partof this grand scheme of things. Pano pa ang kabuuan. Tsk tsk tsk. (Yes, I’m banging my own head too. But at least, I will get my deserved lashings herein the US if I really do something bad. There’s no more room for red tape/power play. Which is good.)

Anyway, so I guess I was meant to fail my exam. When I came here, I had the mentality of “I got this!” since I got 11 years of continued driving in the worst traffic of Manila under my belt. I did go to a driving school here in LA but only for 2 hours, and I wasn’t also practicing that much coz people were busy (you need to have a CA licensed driver with you at all times). Those were not enough to break my bad driving habits… And so what happened, my every driving test was like my driving school. Doon na ako natututo hahah! I learned that I should not slow down when changing lanes; that I should wait inside the left-turn lanes when waiting to turn left with the wheels facing forward (tinutok ko kasi sa kalye, you know, how we do in Manila); and a lot more minor ones that accounted to failures.

When I failed the first time, grabe, it was like my whole world froze & melted at the same time before my very eyes. I got kinda depressed. Coz it’s also one thing here in LA; you have to be able to drive to go places. It is hard to commute around here. And I was thinking, how would I be able to start my life right away without being able to drive?? So I gave myself a day to mope around thinking there’s always a 2nd try… and 3rd.. On my 4th try, I was like so used to it that I didn’t expect anything anymore. I just prayed that I be given a test officer who will give me a fair chance. (Coz honestly, 2 of my failures were a bit sketchy. I did not make any major errors. They just said I was inconsistent with that looking-over-the-shoulder thing.)

Anyway, when the testing officer told me, “You passed, but you had few minor… *@^@%!&#*#… and that *#&@^@$… and @&#^#…” I couldn’t hear the rest of what she was saying. I was stuck on her first 2 words. After about 2 minutes of her talking, I asked, “I passed?” Hahaha! Coz I really couldn’t believe it! It was just like what my ate Jona said, the feeling was akin to winning a lottery!

And so now, here in LA, I’m mobile.

I’ve been driving around for more than a month and I say SOBRA SARAP mag-drive especially if you and the people around you follow the rules. Well, that is why there are rules. Coz if every one of us follow our own (just like what’s more often happening in Manila), then there’d be chaos… gitgitan, singitan, hindi marunong magbigayan (a true reflection of its people). Ah just thinking about it makes my head hurt. I wonder how I could’ve survived driving there.

* Dahil buwan ng wika itong Agusto, ako ay magtatagalog. Pero hindi ko naman hinahanap-hanap ang lengwahe na ito sa dila ko dahil ito ang ginagamit namin sa bahay. Pero hindi ito ang ginagamit ko sa pagsulat. Mahirap e. Sigurado ako, maya-maya magtataglish na ako.

* Katatapos lang ng WHHC. Nakasama at nayakap kong muli ang aking grupo na hindi ko nakita ng limang buwan. Ganoon pa rin. Mga baliw pa rin sila hahaha! Kagaya ko. Ano pa nga ba’t kabaliwang masasabi ang maging isang artist. Hindi lang sa Pinas, kundi kahit saang parte ng mundo. Hindi ka mabibigyan nito ng seguridad. Unless magkaroon ng maayos ng sistema. Hindi puro lingon at tungo sa bawat kalabit ng puso.

* Tungkol sa WHHC. Lagi kong tinatanong sa sarili ko kung bakit may prelims pa at finals noon sa paligsahang ito. Samantalang, pre-qualified na lahat ang mga kupunang nanggagaling sa bawat bansa (Pwera na lang sa Pilipinas. Dahil ang PAS, automatic na kasali. At ngayon, dahil kaunti lang ang sumasali at may perang panglipad, kung sino na lang ang may kaya ang sumasali. Sa tingin ko, sa susunod na taon, kailangan na ulit ibalik ang National Competition, at ang HHI-Ph ang dapat na maglipad sa mga mananalo, para wala na rin uutang). Dapat katulad ng Skechers, pagkatapos ng qualifying legs, isang malaking labanan na lang. Pero maiintindihan ko rin naman kung magkaroon ng eliminations at finals dahil madami nang bansa ang sumasali. Pero tatlong rounds (prelims, semis, finals)? Parang nakakaloko. Pareho lang naman ang hurado. Pareho ang criteria. Sige sabihin nating pwedeng magpalit ng piyesa, pero wala namang nagpapalit e, bihira. Iisa lang ang naiisip ko… Ka-ching ka-ching!

* Huli na tungkol sa WHHC. Parang huling punta ko na yata yun. Ibang vibe na kasi ang kompetisyon na yun ngayon e. Kahit yung isang emcee na ayaw kong pangalanan napasin din. Kung tutuusin, kasabay namin syang nagsimula noon. Hindi ko maituro, ngunit sa tingin ko, kasi naging mas commercialized na sya. Hindi katulad noon na wala pang ABDC, walang pa kahit youtube! Purong purong underground ang labanan… Ibang klaseng pakiramdam din yung hindi ka manalo pero biglang makikilala ka at ang bansa mo sa buong mundo! At isa rin sa na-miss ko ay yung pakiramdam na iisa lahat. Iisang puso. Iisang mundo. Kaya lumabas sa bibig namin ang One Love One Hip Hop One God. Ngayon, hindi ko sya naramdaman. Dahil ba hindi ako kasali? Hindi din eh… Eto na naman ako at nagkukumpara. Pero lagi ko ngang sinasabi, hindi ko mapigilan. Dahil siguro nais kong maramdaman din ito ng mga bata ngayon. *buntonghuninga*  <– haha that was funny! Sabi ko nga kay Sheena, baka lang kasi tumatanda na kami. <– funnier!

* Kami ay nasa San Diego, ang aming pangalawang pamilya. Masaya at kumportable ang pakiramdam tuwing kami ay nandito. Tuwing kami ay umuuwi sa L.A., lagi kong sinasabi kay Spidey, “Bili tayo ng bahay doon.” Ibig sabihin, nais ko na ring tumira sa SD.

* * * * * * *

* Ngayon ako ay nakauwi na sa L.A. (Hindi ko natapos itong entry na ito noong nasa SD. Makukulit ang mga tao doon e. ) Kapag nandito ako, naiisip ko ayoko na sa SD. Masyadong laid-back. Oo, fickle talaga ako. Ewan ko kung bakit. Baka madali lang kasi ako mag-adjust. Nung nasa NY ako, sabi ko sa sarili ko, ayoko nang umalis doon. Ganoon din ako noong nasa Boracay, at noong nasa Italy, at noong nasa Sagada. Hay. Baka kasi isa akong gypsy. Pwede akong tumira kahit saan. Sabagay. Noong nasa Pilipinas ako, kung saan saan din ako tumira. Sa ngayon, masaya ako dito sa L.A. Maingay. Madaming nangyayari. Mainit. <3

Lately, I would see myself as a walking failure. I saw myself as a 99 pound moving time bomb ready to explode. I was just waiting for the trigger anytime. More about that on my next blog.

But this afternoon, Spidey and I practiced for a gig in our backyard, in the middle of the sun. It is summer now & you can imagine how it is dancing or even moving in a super hot weather. If it was not for the iced-cold water I would drink once in a while, and the sight of Tala on the swing watching us, I would have been knocked unconscious because of heatstroke. But since it was our last practice for tonight’s gig, we run it all out that our every pore produced sweat, and my body produced endorphins! And so after about weeks of this heavy feeling, I actually felt better. I was smiling inside, too!

And so it’s 3am now and we just came from this gig (our first gig together after a long time, mind you). We performed for this 80s themed-party and we danced with them cool people all night! I’m shocked to think that I almost forgot how this felt. Sigh. That’s what real life in the ‘Merica does to you. But I don’t want to be too hard on myself by thinking that coz hey we’ve just been here for a few months and I’ve really been through a lot by just coming here. I gotta give that to myself. But maybe tonight was a reminder of how I have had my head focused too much in building this family, living this new life. I forgot how I used to have THAT life.

I have always said that I can only dance now to feed my soul… And so this was the perfect time it did.

* * * * * * *

This morning, Bloc (a talent agency) had an open audition. Part of me had been dying to go. I was not hoping to get in. I just really wanted to try it out and then maybe gauge myself among all these younger dancers here. But a bigger part of me was saying, “Bakit pa? What do I want to prove?” Nevermind my age or my physical state. All my dancing life, I was always with younger people (15 years younger at most!). My body has always been resilient and able to fool people that I was in the same age as them. People are saying that I shouldn’t feel that I’m old coz hey I’m still at my best state. But it’s not that. It’s my mental state. I feel that I am still tired. Being with my group in these last few years has indeed taken a toll on me. Mentally & psychologically. Back then, all those battles or struggles were just pfffft. I could easily just ignore it. That or, I have always produced enough endorphins to push aside all negativities. When I came here, it all came to me and realized that I was brain-tired. Now, it has been 4 months & I still do not feel brain-rested.

Don’t get the wrong idea. The group is perfectly ok now. Allstars has even won in an another international competition. It’s just me. How I have taken it all in, and how it has just started to sink in.

I also had this realization lately that in the last years I was with the group, it was all a routine. (What?? Isn’t being in the entertainment scene not supposedly like that?) But it was. It was all, fight, make-up, talk, practice, tech run, make-up (face), perform, ADS, then fight again, then make-up, talk, practice, tech run, make-up (face), perform, ADS… It happened like a cycle that traveled through different paths. The places and people were different. But what we did was all the same. I think that was where it messed up my head… There was nothing of that definite high I felt in the beginning. Everything was just, uh, smooth-sailing.

I really do want to avoid comparing those times to our first years but I can’t help it! Besides those first years was my template for everything that’s supposed to happen in a group. That time, it was all like an action-drama-comedy film. You will never know what was gonna happen the next day… or even in the next hour. Would Sheena & Ken do “wrestling”? Would Reagan perform his Rica-dance? Would the Allstars band make noise? Will Madelle’s dad get mad again coz it’s getting late & we haven’t even started on a choreography yet? Will there be fights? Will there be hugging & crying? And well, aside from those drama, the Lord was notably present in our lives. Yes, these are all the reasons why I always go back to all those glorious years. I know it’s always bad to cry over spilled milk, or look back at the expense of not being able to move forward… BUT I CAN’T HELP IT! I bet some, if not all, of us original members feel this way. I think this is also the reason why some of us has this seed of bitterness planted in their hearts. Coz those years were like snatched from them like wings of moths that got burned when they came too close to the fire. Some of us got burned by this raging fire that they only wanted to sleep with or sit beside. Coz this fire has lighted our lives BIG TIME. We didn’t know too well. We were all so young… And mad. And crazy.

And so, for many years to come, I will always look back. Call me a loser, call me any names, but looking back makes me happy. I feel no bitterness like the others. I just want to stare at the brightness of that fire, and then maybe it’ll keep me warm during winter days.

One of the highlights of my New York trip with Spidey: visiting Alexander McQueen: Savage Beauty at the Metropolitan Museum of Art (an exhibit of almost a hundred of McQueens collections which will go on until July 31, 2011).

* photos from the internet

Leaving the steps of the museum, I was filled with all sorts of emotions. They had virtually captured a bit of the essence of every McQueen show. I have loved him not so much as his creations but as what those provoke inside me. Everyone can put together things and call it a creation or art. But what separates a genius or a great artist from everyone else is something greater than what is seen or heard: it is what happens when you’re not looking at it anymore, what has stuck in you when you go home or walk in the park, what it stirs in your head, what it breaks in your heart, how it drives you in certain kind of high or madness. And he does that to me… Or is it because I am mad like him?

“Despite the commercial aspirations of the show — “Savage Beauty” was funded almost entirely by the label whose clothing it features — it is nevertheless difficult to look at a single one of the designs without being mesmerized, intrigued, or provoked into some response, oftentimes confusion. No designer has better embodied Yves Saint Laurent‘s incisive dictum that while fashion is not exactly art, it requires the creativity of an artist in order to exist. McQueen’s originality and genius derived from the fact that his tremendous talent as a designer was matched by his capacity as an artist. “

This is my favorite. (Spring/Summer 2001) There was this huge 2-way mirror box. The audience was reflected on the mirror. There were these beautiful models walking around in the room. Then a conventionally ugly woman was revealed. It was trying to say that beauty comes not from the outside but from within. Since it was shown as a loop, as soon as the woman was revealed, it went back to a mirror reflecting us. I saw myself… as if trying to ask, Now where is that beauty within you?

Alexander McQueen:
“I am a romantic schizophrenic.”
“I oscillate between life & death, happiness & sadness, good & evil.”
“I want to empower women. I want people to be afraid of the women I dress.”
“You’ve got to know the rules to break them. That’s what I’m here for, to demolish the rules but to keep the tradition.”