This was by far my most “un-Christmas-ed” Christmas. I really didn’t feel the spirit. Well, dati pa naman. It has been years since I have plunged into adulthood & turned into a grinch. But last year, I had the taste of it again. Merely because I received the best gift I could ever ask (Tala), and I got to spend Christmas with my family after almost 10 years. This year, even with Tala, Jhong & his family around, I felt that it was my unhappiest celebration. Don’t get me wrong. I love Jhong & his family. They are awesome. They have inspired me to touch base with even my relatives to the 3rd degree. They have shown me the value of having your family around, & the importance of familial bond in our life… But this has nothing to do with them. It’s me.

And everybody else who has let the spirit die.

Have I really let it… die? Was my experience last year such a notch higher than any Christmas than I could ever dream of, (coz, come to think of it, what would beat that?) that anything of lesser value would bound me for disappointment? But I wasn’t disappointed this year. It was just plain “Hindi-masaya-ang-pasko-ko.”

… Was it because I was in a place that I would rather not be? I am not talking physical here okay? For the past years, I have been spending the holidays where my feet would literally bring me. I didn’t have my family here so I would play mini-maynee-mo on whichever house I would play Santa to, or whichever glasses I would toast to, or which gifts I would exchange with. Back then, the spirit was there. Though, of course, not the giddy merry kind we were wont to as kids. But more of the… uhm, adult kind.

Which is a free-spirited way of spending Christmas?

Spend.

It was so ironic how before I would spend money to buys gifts & then find myself broke. But I would feel Christmas… And now, I have spent a lot to buy gifts, & I still have a lot more saved & I didn’t feel it!

Maybe that should be it. The part where we exhaust our savings just to give, give, give. It is after all the spirit of Christmas… coz He who will give us His life has been born.

* * * * * * *

I made this greeting e-card for family & friends. It showed Tala as the little drummer boy girl. I took this photo during the eve when she was playing drums at tito Let’s house. I don’t know if kids her age could do that, but I would like to believe that Tala is very musical. Well, I could compare her to me. Haha! I am so out of tune & out of rhythm, so maybe she is my improved version. Or maybe the blood of the Florencio’s (Jhong’s ascendants) run through her. A little trivia:

In Marikina where the family name was prominently adopted, the family
name, FLORENCIO, of Barrio Sta. Elena, had been synonymous with music
where`Passersby somehow find themselves anticipating the sound of piano or a
violin wafting its way on the gentle breeze down the beautiful Marikina River
Valley` ....... excerpts from For Teaching is a Living by Ester del Rosario
(ISBN 1-56167-383-8). The Florencio family of Marikina earned a frolicking
name of `Lahi o Angkan ni Eng-Eng` (race or clan of `eng-eng`). `Eng-Eng`  being
derived from  the melodic sound emitted from the violin of `Maestro Segundo`,
who pasionately and religiously played the musical instrument during his life
time for the service of the Church.

Awesome, isn’t it? Upon observing my own daughter, I would see her being “ADD” with her toys. But if she is in front of a piano or drums, I am the one who becomes “ADD”! ) It’s also so amusing to just watch her. Last night, Tala & I opened one of her gifts. It was a very nice dress. She ignored the dress & grabbed the box. She placed it in front of her & put both her hands in the box as if picking something up. Then she put her hand in her mouth as if she was eating something! Hahaha! And then should would reach out to my mouth as if she was feeding me. Tala is really my stresstab. I would watch her amuse herself to amuse me. One time, she was talking gibberish (she is delayed in her speech development coz she is always around her yaya ) & then she laughed, as if laughing at her own joke. And then she looked at me & laughed too. Priceless.

Sometimes, I couldn’t wait for her to grown up. Most of the time, I’d prefer that she doesn’t.

My Facebook account got disabled (that’s why it will say that the account doesn’t exist if you click on my badge at the right column of this page). I don’t know what’s up with them.

Let me tell you about a li’l history of my Facebook saga. It’s a little mababaw, I know. But still, I want to waste some time & space. Nasa mood ako )

About 2 years ago, I signed up for Facebook account, back when Myspace was the “it” place to be in networking sites. Back then, FB was a mess. It was sooo cluttered & relatively hard to maintain. Imagine your personal account, applications, photo & video albums and comments in one page! I got tired of it so I deactivated it. But I opened an account for Allstars so that fans & supporters who were into FB could reach us. I opened it as a “personal account.” Then after some months of maintaining it, FB disabled it. I contested & sent an email demanding answers. FB actually communicated with me and said that they only allow REAL people to open an FB account, and that Philippine Allstars is a group & so they don’t qualify. But I told them it could be quite unfair for them to do that after we’ve already collected around 10,000 followers! And so they replied and suggested that I create a “page,” and they will activate the account, with all friends intact, but not the messages & fan boxes anymore. So that was how Philippine Allstars page came about.

Then people got into the whole FB fad. So I tried activating my own personal account by signing in. And viola! My account was reborn, with the new & improved look!

So there, I was a happy Facebook user, a heavy one at that. I even deactivated my Friendster account & asked my friends, whom I am only able to talk to through Friendster, to switch to Facebook! Heck, even my mom opened one so that we could communicate & exchange photos easily. That time FB was a real sweetheart. :p

Until one day, I found out that FB removed our (me & Allstars girls whom I made admins) publishing rights due to, according to them, violations of page terms. What the heck! How could we even come close to a violation of anything when we know among ourselves that 1. We are public figures looked up to by a lot of kids, 2. We are World Champions, sisirain ba namin ang pangalan namin??, 3. basta hindi namin magagawa yun, period.

So for weeks I would email FB and ask why they did that. But they would always send a general message saying something like “We removed your publishing rights because you violated blah blah blah. Click this link for list of violations blah blah blah.” Then I would email them again and ask to at least communicate with us and let us know WHAT we have violated. I even emailed them through the old email that they used to communicate with me. But to no avail. I would get an auto-response, like a vacation reply when you’re away. It was like talking to a robot.

I did some research and found out that there were a lot of pages that they did the same thing to. Some of them musicians/bands with over a hundred thousand fans. Same thing, they would attempt to reach FB but they would get no real response.

I don’t know what’s wrong with FB.

So anyway, for weeks, we could not update our status. People couldn’t be informed of our open classes. I could not post events. We could not even inform the world of the good news that we are finally going to have a Dance School! I would use my personal account for that.

And then, just 2 days ago, I tried logging into my personal FB account… only to find out that freaking FB disabled it! Violation na naman daw ng rules/terms. FTW!

Whacked talaga!

Now FB is my enemy.

I have a feeling that we have this real intense hater who reported my & Allstars’ page to FB. Yun lang e. Coz I could not think if any reason why I would have a problem with these accounts!

Grrrr…

Anyway… so with all this hoopla, does this tell me that I cannot live without FB?

Hmmm. No.

Coz I can always create a new account. I can just email my family & my friends. And I could use Twitter.com or create a NEW official website for Allstars to update followers.

Ang hassle lang.

But it’s all good. Masaya pa rin ang buhay. At least I have less time spent FB-ing, and more time for Tala, Jhong, Allstars & dancing.

Holding my little girl’s hand as she sleeps so restlessly, I think about the world she’s going to live in… What have we left for our children? We have been so unscrupulous & so selfish that nature is getting back. Will there be a better place for them when they grow older?

My baby girl, she sleeps like a boy. Always tossing & turning. Is she having dreams where in she chases butterflies under a rainbow? Or is she feeling me, so apprehensive about her future?

Sleep peacefully now, my child. I promise to not let go of your hands until I feel that you are ready to face the world on your own… kahit 15 ka pa lang.

* * * * * * *

I don’t know what’s wrong but lately I’m going through that cycle again. I thought I’m good already. Having blessed with a wonderful family, a brave little girl & a loving boyfriend… I have work, I’m healthy, I have a house & a car… But there’s always always something that’s poking at me. Like an itch that needs to be scratched, a thirst that needs to be quenched, a dance that needs to be executed… A voice that needs to be shouted.

I would always think that I’m excused to feel this coz I create. And there’s always a very thin line between creating & holding on to your sanity. And self-destruction is sometimes a means to a redeeming end. But I read somewhere that artists have work ethics too. And Picasso was the perfect model… Ok then, call me undisciplined. A lot of times I just wanted to bury myself in endless musings or freewriting, without the rules & the careful inclusion expletives.

Yes, I think that’s it. I long for my canvass & my journal. I have been too caught up with “living” & “getting it down on the floor” I’ve forgotten my other self. The part of me that wants to capture joys & sorrows, the spirited frenzies & celebrations, the mundane but deep observations of everyday life… I want them translated in words… or art.

I miss my wall.

to run away
far where there are bees that can sting me
to drown this pain
wrought by them running around my head

to write away
all layers of stories that make up
the fabric woven amongst encounters of
touched lives on this earth

to love away
without restrictions
and feel the highest measure of joy
even when i am deep within the throngs of any human blunders

This was my status in Facebook:

“We should take time to learn the foundations, maybe in class… but it is important too that we do not forget where all this came from. the STREETS. & the CLUBS. “

I got 2 interesting replies. One from my cousin in Minnesota, “That sounds like something Toni Basil said on ‘So You Think You Can Dance.’” And one from Tolo, “nope doesnt sound like toni basil.. it sounds like a bboy from the 60s telling a story how they rule the streets and how they rule the clubs..”

Of course. I learned this from meeting those Hip Hop Legends, including, yes, Ms Toni Basil. Chelo & I took a lockin’ class in Vegas & she was there right in front of us! Nice lady. She was assisting the 2 Finalists of the World Locking competitions like they were her kids. And she looked gorgeous for her age. She was actually the recipient for this year’s Living Legends Awards by Hip Hop International. When she got up the stage to receive the award, she gave a nice speech about, yes, acknowledging history, where it all started. She even asked Don Campbell & Boogaloo Sam to come up the stage recognizing them as two of hip hop’s pioneers.

That was also the same thing Qwikstep has taught us. (refer to my hiphop page)

Thing is, I’ve been seeing a lot of very good dancers here. Mga matakaw magklase. And they are so lucky to have different studios & teachers to choose from. We didn’t have that back in our days. Now, they can even choose different styles… Madami silang magaling. But there are only a few I could see that really know HOW TO DANCE.

Sometimes though, I feel guilty. I’ve been so hungry & so eager to learn about techniques that I sometimes forget too how to really dance. I’ve forgotten to express. to release. to create. to let go.

I’ve attended Vince’s experimental class last Saturday. I liked it coz I learned a lot about myself. About my weakness. I felt like a drunk-fool. You know how it is when you drink alcohol to loosen up so that you’d be able to talk to people more freely, but then when you start to do it, you realize that you’re just spewing stupid & you’re just fooling yourself that you’re drunk? It felt like that. Like I wanted to let go, express through my body & I felt like I was doing it but my mind kept saying I wasn’t.

I think the real enemy is myself. Utak ko talaga. Sometimes I tend to forget that dancing is not cerebral. Most if the time it’s just physical. It’s just dance. Just you. your. body. &. the. beat.

Oh well. Paminsan minsang sumpong lang ito.

All I know & feel is… I just wana go back to the streets. & do bgirlin’. Like I used to do 4 years ago. When there was still Airdance & we’d go any place where the guards won’t blow their whistles on us. Or in Taguig, when we’d do bboyin’ til 12mn everyday even if we lived all the way North. Or in the clubs when Allstars girls would beat Allstars boys mercilessly. Hahaha.

Makapunta nga dyan sa kanto at magbreykdans.

Nakakirita manood ng news gabi-gabi. Politics has really turned into showbiz, ang taas ng entertainment value! Napapailing na lang ako at napapa-silent prayer, “God, please bless our country & its people. And please guide every Filipino to vote for the rightful leader next year.”

[... Ok Addict. :p]

It’s been a while since my muse camped out near my nostrils & shoved boosts into my brains & told me to shoot 300 words per minute through my tommy guns.

Sorry. Mafia Wars is just on the other tab of this window… just waiting to refill energy to do more crimes. *smirk*

Lately, I’ve been occupying my free time with facebook application games. Started out with Yoville. But I got disinterested coz, aside from the loading time which was so bagal, I got put off with the chat/interaction part. (Chelo: “Loner ka talaga, Tzytzy!”) Oo naman! Coz this is the only time I have for myself no, so, bye city life, hello farm life! I started playing Farmville & I kinda got hooked coz I got attracted to the idea of building my own hacienda. And yeah, leaving a message to friends is optional (& won’t not make me earn coins).

Then a week ago (yes, I’ve been doing crime jobs for 7 straight day now), when the other Allstars went to UK, I started Mafia Wars out of curiosity. And then teneeen, Tzytzy is hooked.

(Got this from my Betch Alice)

(From my friend Sharon) Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to people and include me. Try not to repeat a song title. It’s a lot harder than you think.

Pick Your Artist:
Incubus

Are you male or female?
Southern Girl

Describe yourself:
Priceless

How do you feel about yourself:
You Will Be A Hot Dancer

Describe where you currently live:
Clean

If you could be anywhere, where would you be:
Here In My Room

Your favorite form of transportation:
Battlestar Scralachtica

Your best friend is:
Megalomaniac

Your favorite color is:
A Certain Shade Of Green

What’s the weather like:
The Warmth

Favorite time of day:
11am

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
Made For TV Movie

What is life to you:
Diamonds & Coal

What is the best advice you have to give:
Make Yourself

If you could change your name, what would it be:
Anna Molly

Your favorite food is:
Oil & Water

What you want to do right now:
Drive

Love is:
Just A Phase

What you wish for:
Wish You Were Here

What you want to say to God:
Nice To Know You

Thought for the Day:
I Miss You *

* Jhong & Tala

Embedded video from CNN Video

International hip-hop artists find their roots in U.S.

WASHINGTON (CNN) — Six hip-hop artists from five countries speaking four languages are on stage, warming up for their show at the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts.

International hip-hop artists warm up for their show at the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts on Tuesday.

“Warming up” doesn’t really capture it; the dancers explode across the stage, each one with a different hip-hop style.

Michelle Salazar is chic-grungy in black jeans and white T-shirt, her long black hair swirling around her head. Hassan El Haf, from Lebanon, tall and thin, does a kind of electric hip-hop mixed with salsa.

Argentines Mauricio Trech and Silvia Fernandez move in a dramatic break dance. Both hail from Argentina, home of the tango. Hien Ngoc Pham from Vietnam, with a buzz cut and dressed in white jeans and a white T-shirt, has Broadway bravado in his every move.

The dancing stops and Samer Samahneh begins rapping — in Arabic. No translation needed; it comes from his soul.

Three weeks ago, the dancers had never met, but now they’re a team, participating in the State Department’s Cultural Visitors Program. The program consists of three weeks of meeting American hip-hop artists and dancers and visiting New York City, Philadelphia and Washington, D.C.

“It’s like a dream come true for me,” Salazar said Tuesday, the day of the team’s show, “because I only read their names in the Internet and now, like, I met Afrika Bambaataa, the founder of hip-hop. I was right next to him. It’s a real immersion into the culture. I don’t want to wake up!”

Salazar isn’t just star-struck. She’s learning a lot and she plans to bring it back to her fellow dancers in the Philippines.

“Dancers in the Philippines don’t have much of a foundation [in hip-hop],” she says. “They don’t understand why dancers do this” — she moves her arm — “or why they do this” — she strikes a pose. “Because if they knew why they would feel it. I can feel it by watching these [American] hip-hop dancers.”

Samahneh agrees: “You’ve got to feel it.” His rapping, he says, comes from inside-out. “Even if you don’t know the language, you can get involved with what I’m saying.”

Samahneh says that when he raps in his hometown of Nablus in the West Bank, he is “asking God to bring peace to our land.”

Colombia Barrosse, the vibrant head of the State Department’s Cultural Programs Division of the Bureau of Cultural Affairs, says the cultural cross-fertilization is the goal of the program.

“There is nothing that can substitute for being in the United States and meeting Americans in their place, to look at the richness and diversity of the United States. That’s irreplaceable,” she says.

The Cultural Visitors Program is part of the State Department’s cultural programming around the world. The $8.5 million budget is supplemented by institutions like the Kennedy Center, which is co-sponsoring this performance.

Most of the visiting artists in the program found their way to professional dance through hip-hop.

Pham, a member of the Vietnam Dance Association, is currently working to open a hip-hop training center in Ho Chi Minh City to reach out to young people.

With a broad smile, he says, “Hip-hop is such energy. It’s so young. It’s also an opportunity for our countries to get closer, and I have a lot of friends all over the world.”

Hip-hop may have started in the United States, but it belongs to everyone. Here’s how Hassan El Haf puts it: When he got to New York, he felt as if he had landed on his “real planet.”

“Yeah, I see them, all the dancers in the street, the music, all the people that like hip-hop music,” he says. “When I do hip-hop, it makes me feel happy all the time. This is my life.”