DO THAT ISHHHH

I just received the agenda for the Kennedy Center’s Hip Hop Dance program and I’m . (dot) . (dot) . (dot) .

Speechless.

But inside I’m a blissful wreck.

This is so exciting! Me & 6 other emerging artists from different countries will travel to New York, Philadelphia & Washington and…

“Hip-Hop Dance – July 2009

Participants in this program will work with renowned hip-hop dancers, exploring the history of hip-hop culture and dance in the United States. Participants will attend the International Illadelph Legends Festival (Philadelphia, PA) sponsored by Rennie Harris Puremovement. Illadelph takes place over 14 days in July and includes master classes in hip-hop dance, lectures, and demonstrations. This program will take place in Washington, D.C. and Philadelphia, PA during July 2009.”

All I can say is I am just so thankful for this opportunity. I didn’t think I deserved this coz there are a lot of much younger, stronger dancers out there. But as Lema said, this is a gift for me coz I had to stop dancing (as I was carrying Tala) though I didn’t want to.

This program was initially offered to Lema & Sheena by the US Embassy Cultural Affairs Department coz they have worked with them for their outreach program, Hip Hop for Life, where they teamed up with Joel & Rick of Havikoro (from Texas) & held dance workshops for kids of poor families in Davao & Manila. But then Lema was pregnant & Sheena had to train for this year’s World Championships (yeah, rep up the girls Sheens!), so Lema recommended me… And there you go. Thank you Mama Lems! *mwah*

I’m really so excited not only because I will finally get to travel to one of my dream cities, New York, but also, I will get to immerse myself in the genre that I deny myself of sinking in which is Hip Hop.  Coz I always thought of myself as a Rakista, in thought, in fashion & in music. I would always think that I just dance hip hop & that’s it. I don’t even talk the talk or walk the walk once I get out of the dance studio or the stage.

But then, here it is, beckoning me to get to know him. It is not enough that I dance it. I have to observe, absorb & learn the foundation, it’s roots. Coz this will ultimately make me a better hip hop dance artist.

CHECKLIST

sometimes when you’re on a break, it gives you time to think & evaluate your life checklist. i know i’m not getting any younger. i’m supposed to be thinking about securing my future now. i’m turning 32, i have no huge savings, no insurance, no retirement plans. but thing is, i still don’t think that i’m about to start anytime soon.

kanya kanyang biyahe lang sa buhay yan.

there are people who spend their entire lives getting rich, securing their and their children’s future. there are also those lucky bas–rds who don’t have to work a sweat in their lives coz there’s a time desposit in their names just waiting to mature. and there are those who are consumed with paying off their retirement benefits but they die at an early age because of stress. sad.

i’m not that kind who think about the future. i’m a “here & now” person. i know this is not a good example especially to the younger ones who look up to me. but to each his own. i dunno why, but i’ve really felt secured about where i’m heading to, whether planned or not. i guess i’m just faithful, and i just trust Bestfriend that He’ll lead me to where i’m supposed to be. like what my mentor Nadine says, “I’ll be where I’ll be.”

sabi ko nga, mamamatay akong dukha. pero mayaman naman sa puso, isip, kaluluwa. at sa pagmamahal Nya.

ang mga plano ko hindi nakatuon dun, kundi sa kung anung nasa harap ko ngayon. tulad. ng. sayaw.

i remember, my sister had a thesis/report back in college about security vs commitment. i guess i find my own security in being committed to something that i believe & that i’m willing to pour my whole self into. coz when you’re in that state, wala ka nang ibang hahanapin e. even if you fail, as long you don’t quit, it’s the thought that you were secured by your own capacity, your own strength & will to see yourself through to the end.

if there’s one thing that i’m so keen about right now, that i’m committing myself for a long, long time, it’s dance. i still want to be good. i still plan on being one of the best, as if i’m only in my 20’s. i still want to battle outside the PI as a bgirl. i want to secure a title for myself. as long as i can, even if i’m 50… i admit that i am not that good for a World Champion. even my sister said, ang hinhin ko daw. (hahaha coz i was already 23 when i started dancing, from zero. never had any sports or activities in my life. super lampa talaga ! and i started hiphop training at 26! hahaha! and it wasn’t easy, coming from everyday jazz training and i had to unlearn a lot! ) sobra daming mas magaling sakin. but if there’s one thing i’m proud of, siguro ay yung madali akong matuto. madali ako makakuha ng steps, madali ako maka-adapt sa styles, whether allstars flava, LA style, funk or breakdance pa yan (well except popping. i have a love-hate relationship with it. ). I think in some ways may natutunan ako sa Powerdance. well, actually, madami. pero yung isa na inaapply ko sa dance is, yung sinasabi ni Tito Doug na mental picture ng sayaw. visual kasi ang sayaw e. at ang pag-iintindi ng bawat piyesa. yun ang baon ko lagi, kaya mabilis sakin lahat. kelangan ko lang ay lakas hahaha!

and that’s what i’m excited about, going back to conditioning, strength training, going back to the gym! yay i miss doing flips kahit unang bumabagsak ang mukha ko. i miss the trampoline!

hay, soon. i’ll be able to do this again… and do more!

anyway…

then again, with the birth of my baby, i know everything will change. alam ko naman e. pero ganun pa rin siguro ako mag-isip. but if there’s one thing i’ll secure first, it’s my daughter’s place in this world. i will allow her all the experiences life can offer her. still, not in a material way. i’ve always believed in quality than quantity… in being equipped with life’s experiences than riches. and that’s what i plan to do with her. i’ll let her explore everything, every nook & cranny of this world & of this life, the arts, the music, writings, beautiful people & places, the celebrations & mournings, the old & the new… everything!

INSTANT

(Feel ko mag-Tagalog kapag nasa US. )

Gusto ko makatanggap ng sulat. Yung snailmail. Kaso wala naman may alam ng address ko kundi pamilya ko at yung telephone company na nagbibill sakin buwan buwan hahaha. Pero kahit hindi na snailmail. Basta sulat. Sulat-kamay. Mga ideya o mensahe na ipararating sakin sa pamamagitan ng sulat kamay.

Ang romantiko ng ideya no? Kaya lang lipas na ang ganun e.

Tila ata ang mga romantiko ay lumilipas. Kasi kung iisipin mo, ano’ng romatiko sa i love you na pinadala sa pamamagitan ng text? Maliban na lang kung isang tila makata ang mahal mo at sobrang galing nya bumuo ng diwa sa pamamagitan ng salita, aba pwede ka matunaw! Pero tila madalang ako makakita o makaexperience talaga ng mga old fashioned red roses at greeting cards. Pag tinopak lang siguro ang mga tao. Kasi sa sobra fast-paced ng buhay ngayon, nagiging instant na lang lahat. Instant message, instant mami, instant padala, instant gratification hahaha! … Magpadala ka nlang ng litrato ng bulaklak, katumbas na daw yun ng effort ng pagbibigay ng totoong mabangong buhay na bulaklak. Hahaha grabe.

Buti naabutan ko pa ang letter-writing bago ito naging extinct. Uso pa kaya sa St. Scho yun ngayon? Yung sulatan kahit araw araw naman kayo nagkikita at oras oras naman kayo magkausap hahaha! Tapos pa-galingan at creative pa ng pagtupi! Nahahasa kami noon sa origami kasi ang stationery tinutupi na hugis diamond or puso or star or boomerang or kahit ano pa ang maisip mo. Ang galing ng kabataan noon!  Naremind tuloy ako, isang malaking basket ata ng mga sulat ang naipon ko. Naitabi ko pa. Basahin ko kaya ulit ang mga yun. Para lang maranasan ko ulit ang magbasa ng sulat-kamay, hindi yung mga mensahe na nakukuha ko na lang sa mga inbox o comments page ko sa mga accounts ko internet.

Sa tingin ko, ang henerasyon ko ay medyo maswerte dahil nabuhay kami sa transition period ng makaluma at makabago. (Oo lahat naman naluluma e!) Ang ibig kong sabihin, naranasan namin ang mga bagay tulad ng malalaking cellphone, ang telebabad, ang pag-akyat sa puno, ang paglalaro ng habulan o patintero sa ilalim ng buwan, paggawa ng bula galing sa gumamela, ang kwaderno, ang lapis, ang research sa library, ang mahabang pila kapag enrollment, ang 2R pictures na laman ng makakapal na pitaka, ang tubig sa gripo na pwede pa inumin, ang diary, ang vinyl records at cassette tapes, ang pag-abang ng pelikula sa sinehan lang, ang pag-abang ng replays sa telebisyon, ang pamamasyal sa luneta (Oo, dati namamasyal pa kami dun at naglalaro pa ng badminton nina mommy at daddy!) at madami pang iba… At ngayon nararanasan din namin ang text, ang blogs, ang search engines, ang mineral water at energy drinks, ang friendster, ang facebook, ang email, ang laptop, ang Photoshop, ang Xbox, ang paglaro ng habulan sa internet o online games, ang ipod at pagdownload ng mga musika, ang dvds, ang mga series sa youtube, ang mga naglalakihang malls at madami pa ring iba.

May pros & cons pareho. Pero mas gusto ko talaga yung dati. Oo, old school talaga ako. Feeling ko kasi mas buhay ako e. Mas nakakalanghap ng hangin, mas nakakaamoy ng bulaklak, mas nakakapagrelax.

Parang wala na kasing pahirapan ngayon, madali na lang lahat.

Kung madali lahat ngayon, saan na kaya umeeffort ang mga tao?

Ah siguro sa mas “makabuluhang bagay”. Ano ba ang makabuluhan ngayon sa mga to?

Madami.

Basta… Change.

Pagbabago. Yun lang ang permanent e, ika nga.

Lahat ba nakakahabol sa pagbabago?

Ay, parang ayoko maghabol.

Ok nako sa ganito, kung ano lang andyan, makikibagay ako pero hindi ako eeffort maging high-tech ang telepono ko, magkaroon ng SLR o mag-upgrade ng laptop ko. (Kung tutuusin, lahat ata ng gadgets ko libre o pamana lang. Hihihi!)

Hayaan ko nlang itong modernong pagbabago sa iba, sa anak ko.

Pero pag lumaki ang anak ko, susulatan ko sha. Magsusulatan kami.  Tama!

EXPECTING…

Somebody’s keeping me alive.

A blessing from Him. No, more of a major nudge. A wake-upper. A hit on the head.

Hahaha!

Nah, really. A blessing.

SOMEDAY…

Someday…

I would want to be able to tell you that your mommy—

—that it’s ok to fall over and over and over, coz even Jesus fell 3 times, but he held on to his Father and believed that He will never ever forsake him. That it’s ok to go wayward and be wounded, coz as everything else, just as He promised, that too shall pass…

THIS TOO SHALL PASS
by: India.Arie

I’ve achieved so much in life,
but I’m an amateur in love
My bank account is doing just fine
but my emotions are bankrupt

My body is nice and strong
but my heart is in a million pieces
When the sun is shining so am I
but when night falls, so do my tears

Sometimes the beat is so loud in my heart
that I can barely tell our voices apart
Sometimes the fear is so loud in my head
that I can barely hear what God says

but then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angels whisper that this too shall pass
my ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past
so I walk in faith that this too shall pass

The one that [I LOVED] loved me the most
[I TURNED AROUND & HURT] turned around and hurt me the worst
Been doing my best to move on
but the pain just keeps singing me songs

My head and my heart are at war
cause love ain’t happening the way I want it
Feel like I’m about to break down
can’t hear the light at the end of the tunnel

is when I pray for healing in my heart
to be put back together what is torn apart
and I pray for quiet in my head
that I can hear clearly what GOD says

but then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angels whisper that this too shall pass
my ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past
so I walk in faith that this too shall pass

All of a sudden I realized
that it only hurts worst to fight it
So I embrace my shadow and hold on to the morning light

this too shall pass…

I hear the angels whisper that trouble don’t have to last always
I hear the angels whisper even the day after tomorrow will one day be yesterday
I hear my angels whisper
I hear my angels whisper

this too shall pass

THE REAL MARY JANE

Amateur circus act
Juggling two balls
Pendulum clock
Swinging back & forth
Rock the boat
Tick tock
Can’t stop

What felt good
Became an addiction
Whispers & shouts
Going in & out
Rock the boat
Tick tock
Can’t stop

Yes I’m guilty
Bit I ain’t proud of it
But I’m owning it
My weakness
Rock the boat
Tick tock
Didn’t wana stop

I gave myself away
While my hear still belonged
I let myself fall
I thought nothing would go wrong
I was passionate about him;
The other gave me my own passion
He was my world;
The other showed me the world
He was the only man for me;
The other made me feel that I was the only woman in the world

Like a stone thrown in silent waters
Confusion rippled
Through thoughts
In my head…
and others

Yes I wore it once
Scarlet letter
Heart was battered
Let myself go stupid
Got no soothing words to feed
Rock the boat
Tick tock
I stop.

and my heartbeat, too.
Stopped.

* * * * * * *

“he was a GODSGIFTTOWOMEN. he seeks comfort in their smiles. he finds pleasure in their attention. in his mind, they want him. in his hand, they dance in delight.. he ogles them, chats them up, serves them pieces of sweet-nothings & let them taste nights of dream-come-true’s… he taunts them, makes himself a bait until they bite & he has them in his hands hook, line & sinker… but at the end of each girl, each woman, each rendezvous, each meeting, he finds in his heart, clouded through the years, is his one true love.” –Teleute

IF THE SHOE FITS IN YOUR LIFE

i stare in blank pages for hours. thoughts run around in my mind, not wanting to get snatched by a pen’s tip and be immortalized. they run around and fast, so fast that my mind seemed empty if i stay still. for like eternity, i stare in the white of this page and the lines seemed to move on their own volition. they seem to form images of nothingness. and i put my pen down and i write—NOTHING.

*  *  *

such cruel world! oh how many times have i heard and read this line? it has passed the lips of great authors and artists. they who has had a taste of life’s harsh bites and yes, cruelties. i once heard (from Ms. Odette Alcantara, an environmentalist) that artists (good ones, that express both good ideas and emotions) communicate truth. and they that express life’s treacheries and celebrations are wont to communicate truths.. but isn’t truth relative? one’s truth may not be everybody else’s truth. what if life has been really good and that we, chosen stewards of the universe, are in reality the one that turn our backs to its goodness? what if we are really the cruel “taker” of life’s fruits and essence?

yes, i’m guilty.. treating life like a pair of shoes (hehe, bad analogy!), stepping in and walking my days in total comfort then taking them off and not bothering to brush off the dirt or resorting to purchasing a new pair when their sole has worn off.. life is so much bigger than me. it has so much goodness that everyone can bask in it. life can just turn bad if we make it so, if we treat it so.

yes, life is good and this is such a beautiful world.

*  *  *

finally.. snippets of thoughts in my head captured.

PINAY AKO

* * * * * * * * * *

Emotional Weather Report (borrow muna from Jessica Zafra’s blog):

 i feel this immense sadness surrounding me…

HEART’S DESIRE.. OF AN AQUARIAN

(From Numerology Analysis)My heart’s desire is 7.

Michelle, you love knowledge, study, and insight. You value the gifts of your mind, which you use to great advantage to penetrate the mysteries of life. You study things in-depth. You search beneath the surface of things. You abhor shallow judgments or opinions.

You have a natural gift for analysis and research. Once you have grasped the facts of a subject, your creativity and abstract approach lifts your thinking beyond the rudimentary to the philosophical. You have a theoretical mind, but rather than indulge in fantasies or idle thought, you prefer to base your theories upon scientific facts.

Michelle, you enjoy mental and physical puzzles — figuring them out, taking them apart, and putting them back together.

Some people may perceive you as cool or aloof. You are somewhat introverted; you may feel slightly removed and even a little different. The fantasy of the hermit or monk engaged in a life of study and meditation appeals to you.

In relationships, you tend to keep things business-like and impersonal. You prefer to talk about the facts of a given situation, rather than the cloudier issues of emotions and personal feelings. You distrust feelings — both your own and those of others. The whole emotional realm strikes you as unreliable, and a bit unnecessary. Michelle, your inability to fully understand the emotional aspect of life is your Achilles heel. You are so rational that the unpredictability of the heart frightens and surprises you. Your challenge is to trust. You need to share your heart with someone. This is a courageous step for you, but will result in enormous growth and satisfaction. The advice here is to make a true connection with another human being. Without it, you may marry out of convenience or to fulfill social expectations, but it will not lead you out of loneliness. The more removed you are from people, the more you risk isolation, bitterness, and a cynical attitude toward life. This choice represents a true crossroads in your development. By sharing yourself with others (without compromising your independence and need for privacy) you can cultivate your enormous charm and share your understanding of life. You are a natural teacher and advisor. And the wealth of knowledge you will accumulate in life is meant to be shared with others.

This is not to say that you must compromise on your need for privacy or time spent alone to contemplate life. These are natural aspects of your personality, which are essential to your growth. These characteristics should not be threatening to your spouse, but must be understood as fundamental to your being.

Michelle, you are blessed with a great reserve of intuition, which can be cultivated by regular meditation and contemplation. Your “inner voice” is your greatest guide and friend.

You are idealistic and have high expectations for yourself. Learn to balance your serious nature with regular doses of fun.

Your intelligence and cultivation make you charming and distinguished in appearance. As you get older and more comfortable with your identity, people are naturally attracted to you. They see your wisdom, your deep understanding of life, and the refinement you radiate.

* * * * * * *

AQUARIUS

You are very independent with a very active, sometimes overactive, imagination. Aquarius is associated with future ideas and the unusual. Individuals born under this sign are thought to have a creative, challenging, entertaining, progressive, stimulating, and independent character, but one which is also prone to rebelliousness, coldness, erraticism, cowardice, and impracticality.

Aquarians basically possess strong and attractive personalities. They fall into two principle types: one shy, sensitive, gentle and patient; the other exuberant, lively and exhibitionist, sometimes hiding the considerable depths of their character under a cloak of frivolity. Both types are strong willed and forceful in their different ways and have strong convictions, though as they seek truth above all things, they are usually honest enough to change their opinions, however firmly held, if evidence comes to light which persuades them they have been mistaken. They have a breadth of vision brings diverse factors into a whole, and can see both sides of an argument without shilly-shallying as to which side to take. Consequently they are unprejudiced and tolerant of other points of view. This is because they can see the validity of the argument, even if they do not accept it themselves. They obey the Quaker exhortation to “Be open to truth, from whatever source it comes,” and are prepared to learn from everyone.

Both types are humane, frank, serious minded, genial, refined, sometimes ethereal, and idealistic, though this last quality is tempered with a sensible practicality. They are quick, active and persevering without being self-assertive, and express themselves with reason, moderation and sometimes, a dry humor.

They are nearly always intelligent, concise, clear and logical. Many are strongly imaginative and psychically intuitive, so the Age of Aquarius, which is about to begin, is much anticipated by psychic cirlces as an age in which mankind will experience a great spiritual awakening. The Aquarian philosophical and spiritual bent may be dangerous in it can drive the subjects into an ivory-tower existence where they meditate on abstractions bear little relevance to life. On the other hand it can help the many who have scientific leanings to combine these with the Aquarian yearning for the universal recognition of the brotherhood of man, and to embark on scientific research to fulfill their philanthropic ideals of benefiting mankind. When some cause or work of this nature inspires them, they are capable of such devotion to it they may drive themselves to the point of exhaustion and even risk injuring their health.

Both types need to retire from the world at times and to become temporary loners. They appreciate opportunities for meditation or, if they are religious, of retreats. Even in company they are fiercely independent, refusing to follow the crowd. They dislike interference by others, however helpfully intended, and will accept it only on their own terms. Normally they have good taste in drama, music and art, and are also gifted in the arts, especially drama.

In spite of the often intensely magnetic, forthcoming and open personality of the more extrovert kind of Aquarian, and of their desire to help humanity, neither type makes friends easily. They sometimes appear to condescend to others and take too little trouble to cultivate the acquaintance of people who do not particularly appeal to them. They do not give themselves easily – perhaps their judgment of human nature is too good for – and are sometimes accounted cold. But once they decide someone is worthy of their friendship or love, they can exert an almost hypnotic and irresistible mental attraction on them and will themselves become tenacious friends or lovers, ready to sacrifice everything for their partners and be faithful to them for life. However, they are sometimes disappointed emotionally because their own high personal ideals cause them to demand more of others than is reasonable. And if they are deceived their anger is terrible. If disillusioned, they do not forgive.

Aquarians work best in group projects, provided they are recognized as having a leading part in them. They have a feeling of unity with nature and a desire for knowledge and truth makes them admirable scientists, especially astronomers and natural historians. They may excel in photography, radiography, electronics – anything connected with the electrical and radio industries – aviation and everything technical. On the arts and humanities side their progressive tendencies can be expressed in writing, especially poetry, and broadcasting, or as welfare workers and teachers. Some have gifts as entertainers and make good character actors (having an ability to mimic) and musicians. The more psychic among them possess healing gifts, especially in curing the mentally sick.

Among the faults to which they are liable are fanatical eccentricity, wayward egotism, excessive detachment and an inclination to retreat from life and society, and a tendency to be extremely dogmatic in their opinions.  Aquarians can be a threat to all they survey or a great boon for humanity in general. Circumstances – for example, continuous opposition to a cause they hold dear – may cause the atrophy of the openness of mind is one of the Aquarian’s most attractive traits. They may express a lack of integrity in broken promises, secretiveness or cunning. Simmering anger and resentment, rudeness or, worse, a tense, threatening silence which may suddenly burst out in eruptions of extreme temper, these are all part of the negative side of the Aquarian. This can also reveal itself in a sustained hatred for enemies is capable of enlarging itself into a misanthropy toward the whole of mankind.

LIL PRINCE

he is perched atop a huge tree, not like an ent, but more like a fluffy & youthful one that we see during winter for this tree has white round leaves. a throne it serves the prince & it stands mighty & proud on a hill where “soul-grass” blooms.

the shape, color & texture of the grass change depending on who treads on it.

critters of different forms, shapes & level of maturity would pass by…

once, the hill had resembled a convex rainbow when this certain motley crew of superbred individuals came. they call themselves the allstars.

one by one, they left bringing with them a certain hue until one chinese guy was left, & the grass turned into little phallic rubber balloons. the prince couldn’t stop laughing.

there was a time the princee woke up to sounds of whooshings & blagag’s. he saw swirling green pieces of torn grasses & few hurricanish twigs. some sweet voices of bboys greeted him.

but the prince’ favorite was when the unicorn grazed his li’l hilly freely filly leafy llihy hill. right there & then, the prince felt a piece of peace… for the grass turned as white… as white as his heart, his intentions & his tree-throne.