CURSE

Holding my little girl’s hand as she sleeps so restlessly, I think about the world she’s going to live in… What have we left for our children? We have been so unscrupulous & so selfish that nature is getting back. Will there be a better place for them when they grow older?

My baby girl, she sleeps like a boy. Always tossing & turning. Is she having dreams where in she chases butterflies under a rainbow? Or is she feeling me, so apprehensive about her future?

Sleep peacefully now, my child. I promise to not let go of your hands until I feel that you are ready to face the world on your own… kahit 15 ka pa lang.

* * * * * * *

I don’t know what’s wrong but lately I’m going through that cycle again. I thought I’m good already. Having blessed with a wonderful family, a brave little girl & a loving boyfriend… I have work, I’m healthy, I have a house & a car… But there’s always always something that’s poking at me. Like an itch that needs to be scratched, a thirst that needs to be quenched, a dance that needs to be executed… A voice that needs to be shouted.

I would always think that I’m excused to feel this coz I create. And there’s always a very thin line between creating & holding on to your sanity. And self-destruction is sometimes a means to a redeeming end. But I read somewhere that artists have work ethics too. And Picasso was the perfect model… Ok then, call me undisciplined. A lot of times I just wanted to bury myself in endless musings or freewriting, without the rules & the careful inclusion expletives.

Yes, I think that’s it. I long for my canvass & my journal. I have been too caught up with “living” & “getting it down on the floor” I’ve forgotten my other self. The part of me that wants to capture joys & sorrows, the spirited frenzies & celebrations, the mundane but deep observations of everyday life… I want them translated in words… or art.

I miss my wall.

I WANT…

to run away
far where there are bees that can sting me
to drown this pain
wrought by them running around my head

to write away
all layers of stories that make up
the fabric woven amongst encounters of
touched lives on this earth

to love away
without restrictions
and feel the highest measure of joy
even when i am deep within the throngs of any human blunders

SABI NI MARTHA GRAHAM, HOLY GROUND

This was my status in Facebook:

“We should take time to learn the foundations, maybe in class… but it is important too that we do not forget where all this came from. the STREETS. & the CLUBS. “

I got 2 interesting replies. One from my cousin in Minnesota, “That sounds like something Toni Basil said on ‘So You Think You Can Dance.’” And one from Tolo, “nope doesnt sound like toni basil.. it sounds like a bboy from the 60s telling a story how they rule the streets and how they rule the clubs..”

Of course. I learned this from meeting those Hip Hop Legends, including, yes, Ms Toni Basil. Chelo & I took a lockin’ class in Vegas & she was there right in front of us! Nice lady. She was assisting the 2 Finalists of the World Locking competitions like they were her kids. And she looked gorgeous for her age. She was actually the recipient for this year’s Living Legends Awards by Hip Hop International. When she got up the stage to receive the award, she gave a nice speech about, yes, acknowledging history, where it all started. She even asked Don Campbell & Boogaloo Sam to come up the stage recognizing them as two of hip hop’s pioneers.

That was also the same thing Qwikstep has taught us. (refer to my hiphop page)

Thing is, I’ve been seeing a lot of very good dancers here. Mga matakaw magklase. And they are so lucky to have different studios & teachers to choose from. We didn’t have that back in our days. Now, they can even choose different styles… Madami silang magaling. But there are only a few I could see that really know HOW TO DANCE.

Sometimes though, I feel guilty. I’ve been so hungry & so eager to learn about techniques that I sometimes forget too how to really dance. I’ve forgotten to express. to release. to create. to let go.

I’ve attended Vince’s experimental class last Saturday. I liked it coz I learned a lot about myself. About my weakness. I felt like a drunk-fool. You know how it is when you drink alcohol to loosen up so that you’d be able to talk to people more freely, but then when you start to do it, you realize that you’re just spewing stupid & you’re just fooling yourself that you’re drunk? It felt like that. Like I wanted to let go, express through my body & I felt like I was doing it but my mind kept saying I wasn’t.

I think the real enemy is myself. Utak ko talaga. Sometimes I tend to forget that dancing is not cerebral. Most if the time it’s just physical. It’s just dance. Just you. your. body. &. the. beat.

Oh well. Paminsan minsang sumpong lang ito.

All I know & feel is… I just wana go back to the streets. & do bgirlin’. Like I used to do 4 years ago. When there was still Airdance & we’d go any place where the guards won’t blow their whistles on us. Or in Taguig, when we’d do bboyin’ til 12mn everyday even if we lived all the way North. Or in the clubs when Allstars girls would beat Allstars boys mercilessly. Hahaha.

Makapunta nga dyan sa kanto at magbreykdans.

EH?

Nakakirita manood ng news gabi-gabi. Politics has really turned into showbiz, ang taas ng entertainment value! Napapailing na lang ako at napapa-silent prayer, “God, please bless our country & its people. And please guide every Filipino to vote for the rightful leader next year.”

 

I’M A SELF-CONFESSED MAFIA WAR-IAN… WAR-IST?

[... Ok Addict. :p]

It’s been a while since my muse camped out near my nostrils & shoved boosts into my brains & told me to shoot 300 words per minute through my tommy guns.

Sorry. Mafia Wars is just on the other tab of this window… just waiting to refill energy to do more crimes. *smirk*

Lately, I’ve been occupying my free time with facebook application games. Started out with Yoville. But I got disinterested coz, aside from the loading time which was so bagal, I got put off with the chat/interaction part. (Chelo: “Loner ka talaga, Tzytzy!”) Oo naman! Coz this is the only time I have for myself no, so, bye city life, hello farm life! I started playing Farmville & I kinda got hooked coz I got attracted to the idea of building my own hacienda. And yeah, leaving a message to friends is optional (& won’t not make me earn coins).

Then a week ago (yes, I’ve been doing crime jobs for 7 straight day now), when the other Allstars went to UK, I started Mafia Wars out of curiosity. And then teneeen, Tzytzy is hooked.

ABOUT THE MAN WHO BEGAN FLYING AFTER MEETING HER

(Got this from my Betch Alice)

When he met her and they liked each other a great deal, he heard things better, and in his eyes the lines of the physical world were sharper than before. He was smarter, he was more aware, and he thought of new things to do with his days. He considered activities which before had been vaguely intriguing but which now seemed urgent, and which must, he thought, be done with his new companion. He wanted to fly in lightweight contraptions with her. He had always been intrigued by gliders, parachutes, ultralights and hang-gliders, and now he felt that this would be a facet of their new life: that they would be a couple that flew around on weekends and on vacations, in small aircraft. They would learn the terminology; they would join clubs. They would have a trailer of some kind, or a large van, in which to hold their new machines and supple wings folded, and they would drive to new places to see from above. The kind of flying that interested him was close to the ground – less than a thousand feet above earth. He wanted to see things moving quickly below him, wanted to be able to wave to people below, to see wildebeest run and to count dolphins streaming away from shore. He hoped this was the kind of flying she’d want to do, too. He became so attached to the idea of this person and this flying and this life entwined that he was not sure what he would do if it did not become actual. He didn’t want to do this flying alone; he would rather not do it than do it without her. But if he asked her to fly with him, and she expressed reservations, or was not inspired, would he stay with her? Could he? He decides that he would not. If she does not drive in the van with the wings carefully folded, he will have to leave, smile and leave, and then he will look again. But when and if he finds another companion, he knows his plan will not be for flying. It will be another plan with another person, because if he goes flying close to the earth it will be with her.

-Dave Eggers

ONE ARTIST

(From my friend Sharon) Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to people and include me. Try not to repeat a song title. It’s a lot harder than you think.

Pick Your Artist:
Incubus

Are you male or female?
Southern Girl

Describe yourself:
Priceless

How do you feel about yourself:
You Will Be A Hot Dancer

Describe where you currently live:
Clean

If you could be anywhere, where would you be:
Here In My Room

Your favorite form of transportation:
Battlestar Scralachtica

Your best friend is:
Megalomaniac

Your favorite color is:
A Certain Shade Of Green

What’s the weather like:
The Warmth

Favorite time of day:
11am

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
Made For TV Movie

What is life to you:
Diamonds & Coal

What is the best advice you have to give:
Make Yourself

If you could change your name, what would it be:
Anna Molly

Your favorite food is:
Oil & Water

What you want to do right now:
Drive

Love is:
Just A Phase

What you wish for:
Wish You Were Here

What you want to say to God:
Nice To Know You

Thought for the Day:
I Miss You *

* Jhong & Tala

HIP HOP PROGRAM FEATURED ON CNN

Embedded video from CNN Video

International hip-hop artists find their roots in U.S.

By Jill Dougherty
CNN Foreign Affairs Correspondent

WASHINGTON (CNN) — Six hip-hop artists from five countries speaking four languages are on stage, warming up for their show at the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts.

International hip-hop artists warm up for their show at the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts on Tuesday.

“Warming up” doesn’t really capture it; the dancers explode across the stage, each one with a different hip-hop style.

Michelle Salazar is chic-grungy in black jeans and white T-shirt, her long black hair swirling around her head. Hassan El Haf, from Lebanon, tall and thin, does a kind of electric hip-hop mixed with salsa.

Argentines Mauricio Trech and Silvia Fernandez move in a dramatic break dance. Both hail from Argentina, home of the tango. Hien Ngoc Pham from Vietnam, with a buzz cut and dressed in white jeans and a white T-shirt, has Broadway bravado in his every move.

The dancing stops and Samer Samahneh begins rapping — in Arabic. No translation needed; it comes from his soul.

Three weeks ago, the dancers had never met, but now they’re a team, participating in the State Department’s Cultural Visitors Program. The program consists of three weeks of meeting American hip-hop artists and dancers and visiting New York City, Philadelphia and Washington, D.C.

“It’s like a dream come true for me,” Salazar said Tuesday, the day of the team’s show, “because I only read their names in the Internet and now, like, I met Afrika Bambaataa, the founder of hip-hop. I was right next to him. It’s a real immersion into the culture. I don’t want to wake up!”

Salazar isn’t just star-struck. She’s learning a lot and she plans to bring it back to her fellow dancers in the Philippines.

“Dancers in the Philippines don’t have much of a foundation [in hip-hop],” she says. “They don’t understand why dancers do this” — she moves her arm — “or why they do this” — she strikes a pose. “Because if they knew why they would feel it. I can feel it by watching these [American] hip-hop dancers.”

Samahneh agrees: “You’ve got to feel it.” His rapping, he says, comes from inside-out. “Even if you don’t know the language, you can get involved with what I’m saying.”

Samahneh says that when he raps in his hometown of Nablus in the West Bank, he is “asking God to bring peace to our land.”

Colombia Barrosse, the vibrant head of the State Department’s Cultural Programs Division of the Bureau of Cultural Affairs, says the cultural cross-fertilization is the goal of the program.

“There is nothing that can substitute for being in the United States and meeting Americans in their place, to look at the richness and diversity of the United States. That’s irreplaceable,” she says.

The Cultural Visitors Program is part of the State Department’s cultural programming around the world. The $8.5 million budget is supplemented by institutions like the Kennedy Center, which is co-sponsoring this performance.

Most of the visiting artists in the program found their way to professional dance through hip-hop.

Pham, a member of the Vietnam Dance Association, is currently working to open a hip-hop training center in Ho Chi Minh City to reach out to young people.

With a broad smile, he says, “Hip-hop is such energy. It’s so young. It’s also an opportunity for our countries to get closer, and I have a lot of friends all over the world.”

Hip-hop may have started in the United States, but it belongs to everyone. Here’s how Hassan El Haf puts it: When he got to New York, he felt as if he had landed on his “real planet.”

“Yeah, I see them, all the dancers in the street, the music, all the people that like hip-hop music,” he says. “When I do hip-hop, it makes me feel happy all the time. This is my life.”

DAY 16: FINALE

We just had a performance at the Millenium Stage of the Kennedy Center. It was awesome! The crowd was wonderful. The show was great, we had good reviews.

I had a lot of boo boos though. Mental-block, nervousness, mga kaaway ng dancer. Puro adlib tuloy ako. And during the interview, I said (of Allstars), “We are ACTUALLY going to defend our COUNTRY.” Bwahahaha! (Jhong: “May war ba?”) Kainis. And I spoke so fast that even I didn’t understad what I said. That’s why I’d always say, make me do anything, just don’t make me talk. Kahit Tagalog. LOL

Anyway, I’m kinda sad and glad that this is over. Glad that I’ll get to rest now (Ooops nope pala, coz I’ll be assisting Allstars in Vegas. Blep.) I think I am just sooo tired, physically. But yeah I’m sad coz we’ll all go home now. We, the participants, have grown attached to each other like brothers & sisters that I hate to think I’d say good-bye to them tomorrow. Even to the interpreters, especially my Vietnamese “nanay,” Le-Thu (she calls me “anuk“). But hey, dance is such a small community. We’re bound to meet each other someday, someplace.

Imma miss everyone. It was so amazing how 6 different people from 3 continents have bonded in such a short time. I guess it’s because we all have the same passion. Coming from 5 diverse cultures, hip hop was our common ground. I had such fond memories with them–the laughter, the way we communicated (we almost do sign language coz not everyone was good in English. I myself became better at my “carabao-English” LOL), our training & rehearsals… Hien, the very workaholic but efficient famous choreographer from Vietnam. It was always fun hanging out with him coz he is a lot like Reagan. Acting gay even though he’s married hahaha. And like Reagan, too, he was always the first one who’d disappear when we arrive in a city & I would just learn that he went shopping or sight-seeing… Sam, a rapper Palestine, who went to America knowing only “Yes” & “No.” Now, he can already strike up a conversation as long as it stops on “How are you?” Hehe! Among all of us, Sam was the most emotional about this trip. He says that this is like a dream that he doesn’t wake up to. I asked him once if there are a lot of dancers in his country & he said there weren’t many. The kids are too afraid to even walk on the streets because war is going on. He actually has a bullet mark on his right hand. My heart just goes out to him for sticking it out with his passion. Now I appreciate the scene back in the P.I. Mahirap pero at least ndi ka nakakaramdam ng takot… Scorben is a famous model who also dances in Lebanon. I would always tell him that he is like a baby in a huge man’s body coz he is soooo kulit! Hahaha!… Mauricio is a known choreographer & dancer in Argentina. I loved his solo piece (“Dancing” by Elisa) the most coz it was danced so passionately… Silvia is a dancer from Argentina, & she is, hands down, my most favorite female dancer now. Her moves are so intense & so powerful. She is the youngest among all of us (20 years old!), but she dances way beyond her age. I would always kid her, “Silvia is the best dancer in Argentina & the world,” & she would always laugh. She is like a little naive girl outside of the dance floor. But when she starts to move on stage, she transforms into a monster! And you know why I think, too, that she is the best? Coz she can wear tight-fitting outfit & do hip hop & I would see “street.” I can’t do that. I’d look ugly if I dance hip hop in tank-top & leggings.

* Us in front of the Watergate *

I will miss you all, my brothas & sistahs.

I just would like to thank the following:  Sir Tony Perez, Ms Jojie & Ms Martha of the US Embassy, Kennedy Center, the State Department, Jill Ross (you’re the best ate–older sister), Le-Thu, Connie & Samir. Lema for believing in me. Allstars for just allowing me to come here. Jhong & Tala for the inspiration. Hien, Silvia, Mauricio, Sam & Scorben for the friendship. And of course, BestFriend, salamat!

This program for me is not the culmination of my dance life, but the start of my never-ending search for knowledge & truth. I may have learned a lot but I still believe that I am a beginner. Coz learning doesn’t stop. But with whatever bullets I have got, I will try to use it to keep this movement alive.

Peace. Love. Unity.

Word.

DAY 15

We are here at the capital, DC. This is where Kennedy Center is located. THE JFK Center for Performing Arts is America’s living memorial to the late president (a known advocate of the arts: “I am certain that after the dust of centuries has passed over our cities,” President Kennedy once said, “we, too, will be remembered not for our victories or defeats in battle or in politics, but for our contribution to the human spirit.”) It is also the nation’s cultural center. The Center is a venue to great performers around the US & the globe. And this center was the one responsible for the 6 of us being here studying about the genre we are all so passionate about.

Here is the stage where we will be performing on Tue. The show is part of their outreach program where they have free performances everyday. 365 days a year including Christmas & Thanksgiving! How cool is that?